Crawl Out of Yer Crypt and Have a Bash

Me: "I am going through a shitty divorce process along with bankruptcy proceedings due to said divorce along with trying to work out treatment for depression. My question is: should I sign up for a Certificate in Forensic Science & Medicine right now with no idea what to do next, but maybe a degree?

"People: "Wow, no, Helen, heal yourself first before embarking on such a huge event." (was the general consensus)

Fast forward...

So I decided to ignore their advice and just 'fuck it all to fuck' and do it anyway. I still don't think I was/am/is fully healed from the whole fucked up drama BUT - how the fuck long was I supposed to wait?

I signed up there and then (2009) and completed a Certificate in Forensic Science and Medicine at Edinburgh Uni (2011). So then I thought, fuck it, and signed up for a 4 years Hons Degree in Forensic Psychobiology at Abertay Uni (2012 intake). And moved my entire life 100 miles up the road!

Fast forward again...

I graduate on 7th July this year (2016) with a BSc Hons in Forensic Psychobiology. Grades wise I've had everything from A+ - D+ as my meds have been like a fucking yoyo and there have been times that the only thing getting me out of bed was knowing I had a FUCKING PAPER to submit. 

But I'm still here. Many of my classmates bailed out in first year as they found it too difficult. More bailed out in second year and then even more in third year. I am still here. I may not be getting a 1st - but I didn't bail out. Ever. I stuck it out. 

I am usually an A+ type student however, I have sometimes only managed a range of A to D+ papers. BUT I have still managed to make it through the fog despite all the obstacles. I have never bailed out or admitted defeat. 

Bailing out of Uni would have been the easy option, actually. 

But, I stayed. I am currently working on my final 3 papers, a written and oral presentation and prepping for exams.

I MADE IT THROUGH 4 YEARS OF UNI DESPITE ALL THE ODDS.

All I'm saying is this: if you want to do something, you will. You might not A+ it every time (despite it being your intention), but you will do it. If it means something to you, you will find a reason to crawl out of your crypt and get it done. That crawling is hard. It is SO hard. It is probably harder than the paper you have to write. It makes you resentful for the first wee while and it will possibly be the hardest thing you do all day BUT once you do crawl out, make *the out* mean something. 

I've been there, I'm very often still there yet I did it...You can too. 

PS I still have to contemplate the benefits of crypt crawling, every day x

PPS During all this, I found out that my eye condition is degenerative and I will likely be completely blind within the next 20 years. Amazeballs.

Paul Daniels Magic Set

So, Paul Daniels has an incurable brain tumour. That's just complete shit and anyone else who grew up with him will feel the same. It's horrendous news. Paul is my inner geeky kid and, possibly, my spirit animal. 

"You'll like this, not a lot, but you'll like it."

Now, don't get me wrong, in hindsight the magic set was complete shite - a couple of thimbles, a few plastic balls and cups, a deck of cards, some dice, a couple of plastic rings, some lengths of rope, a couple of coloured hankies, an egg with a hole in it and, of course, a magic wand. The instruction book was quite shite so you just made it up as you went along.

The Paul Daniels Magic Show was a staple of my childhood along with Cagney and Lacey, Dempsey and Makepeace, 3-2-1 with Ted Rogers, and Fraggle Rock.

Watching Paul and Debbie was just what you did. I had the PD Magic Set and had a massive fight with Andrew in my P7* class cos he broke my rings by doing the trick wrong and then lied about it. I didn't like that he lied AND broke my stuff so I punched him. He and his Dad refused to pay for replacements so MY DAD had to 'pop round' and have a word. I got a new magic set.
* This was when we brought 'actual games' to school on the last day of term.

My dad also taught me card tricks so with this PD set and what I already knew, I felt invincible. I still teach my card tricks to kids now. It makes me seem cool - they have no idea that I use a hot water bottle and have ordered a vegetable spiralizer from Lakeland!

Paul Daniels is a legend and will always be so. I hope he manages to kick the arse out of his shitty cancer.

Debbie McGee - you are a legend in your own right x

To CCP & Spotlight or to not CCP & Spotlight?

Re my acting profiles:

Have been feeling a bit hypocritical of late and I think prepping for my Uni thesis has been a big part of this.

I have been bitching about CCP (CastingCallPro) for a while now and am against most of the things they do - their 360 degree headshots as an example - and my pisstake of them is on the headshot page of my website (and copied below) ;-)  

It's just another unnecessary gimmick to try and squeeze more money out of actors. I don't like that they take money from actors to access paid work. I dislike how they are very often unhelpful and unsupportive of us actors when we have an issue or flag a concern to them about their site content. They are not helpful to us producers either, just so you know!

Actors pay in excess of £20 a month for their services and yet, when unpaid castings are reported, we are mostly met with derision and told 'people want to be able to work for free, don't want to do it, then don't apply'. In order to access the paid work you MUST pay their monthly fee. If Monster.com started charging you to host your admin or manager CV would you be happy? No, I thought not.

As a producer, I'm sick of them emailing me to 'verify an actor credit' when I know I've verified it 3 times already and even though said actors have complained about a producer being harassed on email still the emails come. 'Sake.

So, why do I feel hypocritical? Well, despite all the above, I've always had a free actor, singer, promo and producer profile on their servers to help with my Google rankings. But surely, if I want to add weight to what I really think and believe, I shouldn't be linked to them at all?

Correct and for that reason I've just deleted them all. All of the profiles: Actor, Singer, Promo Girl and Producer. I have just deleted my entire presence from their servers.

I am now no longer a member of either of the 'standard' casting sites in the UK (CCP & Spotlight*). Some will call me foolhardy BUT the double standards and shite in this industry has really pissed me off in the last few years and I don't want to be a 'double standard person': with me and the companies I run and am involved with, what you see is what you get. Warts and all. I can't be that person if I hedge my bets by continuing to be a freebie member of a site I think is doing it all wrong or a paying member of a site whose double standards are atrocious to the point of ridiculous.

Career suicide? Let's see. 

I feel that if I want to take a stand and make a point I MUST chuck myself in front of all the tanks 100% before even considering trying to convince others to follow suit.

I've nailed my colours to the mast.

*haven't been a member of Spotlight for about 5 years now.

You want me for acting, singing, producing work? Visit my website :-)

http://www.helenraw.com/