Being Female is a Fucking Pain

Don't get me wrong, most of the time, being female is awesome, however, there are times when it would be so much easier to have a penis.


For example: 


On Friday, I have a doctors appointment.  I have the same doctors appointment every 12 weeks.  I get the 'anti baby' injection.  When I say anti-baby injection, I really mean the 'stop my periods ya fucker cos they do my nut in and why do I really need them anyway' injection.


It's always the same sketch: 


Nurse: "Hi Miss Raw, which 'cheek' was it last time"
Raw:  "The right"
Nurse: "Okay, please part your pants and bend over the couch in a really uncomfortable position"
Nurse: "Please relax"
Nurse: "Please relax"
Nurse: "Okay, I'm about to stick you [with a needle the size of a fucking telegraph pole - phew, you're old enough to know what a telegraph pole is]"
Raw: "ARGH, ya fucker"
Nurse: "Okay, that's you for another 12 weeks"
Raw: Okay, thanks nurse


It's also lovely when you go for your smear.  


A smear test has nothing to do with a slur on your name but has everything to do with the fact that  the quality of your fanny is taken into question.


You sit on a bed, in paper pants, with another woman (usually) looking right up your chuff. She then sticks a massive, cotton bud/HB pencil hybrid up there and has a swoosh around.


If you're lucky, all is well and your fanny is left intact.


However, if you have 'abnormal celling' in your results, it is assumed (by men) that you are now diseased and cannot pro-create or even have sex - even just for a laugh or a dare.  It apparently just means that, should you partake in sexual intercourse with a man, it is more likely you will develop some sort of illness.


This, however, is not correct.  If you get an abnormal result on your smear, it is highly likely that your fanny is just rife with bacteria and just needs a good sorting out.  Therefore, you eat lots of yoghurt and 'smear on' lots of yoghurt.


Here endeth the lesson... :-)


I will write more about being a woman when I have stopped crying about the fact that my extractor fan has stopped working and my scented candles have run out and my cushions need plumping...