Right, I've not written a blog in ages, mainly cos I've had my head firmly rammed up my own arse, living like a recluse for the last 4 weeks, ever since I found out what I found out - but, that's for another blog...probably after the one woman show...
Anyway, head up arse, etc etc...has meant that a few things have fallen by the wayside and I am now scrabbling to get back on track. I've more ideas in one of my farts than many people will have in a liftetime but trying to bring them all to life is fucking hard work.
Anyway, enough of the crying.
Why this blog? Well, I am going on holiday with my mum (no I'm not a saddo, fuck off) and my wee sister (NO, I am NOT a saddo) and my wee sisters boyfriend (yes, I'm single but who gives a fuck, I'll sit with my mum on the tea cup waltzer!).
That holiday is a trip to Kenya. We are very excited.
I do, however, feel I should mention the inherent dangers that such a trip entails.
1) Yellow Fever - without the immunisation injection we could die from it. I got the injection and felt like I was going to die from it, so that's done.
2) Rabies - we are not to lick any dogs, cats or monkeys. This rule is a pisser as it was top of my list of things to do.
3) HIV/Aids - point blank, we are not to shag any Africans without condoms. A 3 pack has been put in my case, just in case someone with cataracts tells me I'm beautiful.
4) Malaria - we are not to be, under ANY circumstance, bitten by a mosquito. Mosquitoes are flying things that have 365 day, 24/7 access to everywhere that is outside AND inside so staying away from them should be relatively easy. We are to sleep under a mosquito net at all times. We are to spray ourselves with stinking, honking repellent spray at all times. I'm thinking it would be easier to just make the mosquito extinct...
5) Water - DO NOT DRINK THE WATER. However, I could do with losing a few pounds so I think I might cheerfully ignore this advice and pack some Pampers Extra Strength and shit away to my hearts content.
6) Don't wear black or blue as it attracts Teste flies and they bite you so hard that you think your face might fall off - I've packed brown trousers and a few shit coloured t-shirts.
7) Wear a hat as your head might catch fire in the hot desert heat.
8) When visiting the orphanage, takes lots of pens and pencils for the kids (thanks to the Pound Shop for the supplies).
9) Don't annoy the lions or the hippos as we cannot guarantee your safety - what annoys a lion or a hippo? We have yet to be told. Probably pointing at the fuckers and taking photos sends them into a rage...
So, the point of this blog?
Simple - if I die, my mate Sheena is to get my telly and my mum (assuming she can run faster than me and survives), is to do what she likes with the rest. I purposely haven't mentioned my sister. This is purely because, if I have been killed by some sort of beast, my sister will stay behind to make sure the animal manages to get the horrible human taste out of its mouth and will probably then build it a house and hand feed it so, for that reason alone, she gets fuck all of my stuff (except for my jar of Haribo, she can have that).
I'll see you all on the other side when I am a bronzed goddess with lion teeth marks in my thigh and a Nairobian child in my withered womb...
The Raw, A Broad...that has to be a documentary at some point.
