I swapped my 2 bedroom flat in Cramond, Edinburgh (dead posh) for one room in Uni Halls sharing with 4 unknowns. Why? Because I am slightly unhinged and tend to go with my gut a lot of the time!
I moved into Uni Halls of Residence in September and started a 4 year degree in Forensic Psychobiology shortly after. Why? Cos I always wanted to do it and my marriage to the cult leader got in the way of my first application.
I got an unconditional acceptance (cos I did a year of Forensic Science & Medicine at Edinburgh Uni beforehand) and I promised my friends I'd keep a low profile as I currently run a small business, am producing 13 horror films run the only branch of Equity in Scotland and am looking to go round all the Unis/Colleges in Scotland with some of my courses.
I kept a low profile for my first 6 days. On day 7 I was elected as one of the class reps. What can I say? I have this 'leader' vibe, clearly!
So, all is going quite well, I'm getting A's in Psychology and Scientific Detectives and C's in biology (better than expected!).
I'm living with 4 other people who are all under 23 years of age. It's interesting and fun. Who knew sharing forks would involve so much humour and drama?!
My Mum is proud (thank god*) my wee Sis is proud (thank god*) and I hope that wherever my Dad is (he is dead, not missing) he is proud.
I really want to do well for myself after a few years of shite. This degree could open so many doors in the film making world, teaching world and psychology world it's unreal.
I have the chance to work in Belfast and the US once I've finished my degree. This is amazing.
People often say you have to be an expert at one thing. To them I would say this - it takes around 10,000 hours to be an expert in something. Surely we can be expert in more than one thing in our lifetime?
I plan to arrive on my deathbed, absolutely knackered in a worn out body saying 'holy shit, I'm glad I had a bash at that'.
We only have around 85 - 90 years on this planet if we are lucky. Why not try lots of different things? Life really is too short for anything else.
In the meantime, I start semester 2 very soon.
Bring on the dead bodies and killer biographies. I'm ready.
*god - not the actual god just a word I use for 'whatever'
Tuesday 18 December 2012
Wednesday 5 December 2012
Holy Fuck, I'm a Student
So, I've put this shit on Facebook but now it's on my blog so that my one reader in The Congo can see it.
In a nutshell, I'm a 38 year old living in a flat full of 18-23 year olds.
One 22 year old is causing more drama than you can imagine! He refuses to clean, he refuses to wash dishes he refuses to cease using MY property (plates, cups, dishes, pans etc). He refuses to lock our door, he refuses to close the freezer door!
Background: I'm 38 and came to student halls with a 2 bedroom flat full of stuff! Kettle, toaster, crockery, cutlery, pans, utensils etc.
Everyone was happy to use my stuff and I was happy for them to use it.
Until...
Andrew showed himself to be a twat.
It is hard living with 4 other people you don't know who are from different countries but you make allowances and you learn their ways and adapt - it's called 'compromise'.
Apart from Andrew, we all get on like a house on fire. But we would all like to set fire to Andrew.
Andrew refuses to clean, he uses all my stuff without washing it and is generally a twat. He has ripped the cleaning rota off the wall and has called us all names varying from cow to twat to cunt.
The following are pics of the letters that have been sent to him with a copy to the main office:
Letter one:
Reply one:
In a nutshell, I'm a 38 year old living in a flat full of 18-23 year olds.
One 22 year old is causing more drama than you can imagine! He refuses to clean, he refuses to wash dishes he refuses to cease using MY property (plates, cups, dishes, pans etc). He refuses to lock our door, he refuses to close the freezer door!
Background: I'm 38 and came to student halls with a 2 bedroom flat full of stuff! Kettle, toaster, crockery, cutlery, pans, utensils etc.
Everyone was happy to use my stuff and I was happy for them to use it.
Until...
Andrew showed himself to be a twat.
It is hard living with 4 other people you don't know who are from different countries but you make allowances and you learn their ways and adapt - it's called 'compromise'.
Apart from Andrew, we all get on like a house on fire. But we would all like to set fire to Andrew.
Andrew refuses to clean, he uses all my stuff without washing it and is generally a twat. He has ripped the cleaning rota off the wall and has called us all names varying from cow to twat to cunt.
The following are pics of the letters that have been sent to him with a copy to the main office:
Letter one:
Reply one:
Reply Two:
It's safe to say that the guy is a complete and utter tosser. I genuinely think he has psychopathic tendencies. He doesn't care for anyone but himself and any gesture towards us is empty and meaningless.
He is my first proper human study so I should be grateful really!
He is a twat. We are hoping he gets moved. If he doesn't move, potentially, all 4 of us will be moving! What a drama!
I'm having exam drama, coursework drama and court drama (I'm suing a shit photographer right now) so I'd quite happily not have to deal with this but hey ho...
Twatbags!
Saturday 13 October 2012
Serving Britain
Found this poem on Facebook and thought it was lovely:
When one becomes connected
When one becomes connected
To the military family
It does not matter which part one is in
You’ll always be proud of all three
Masters of the seas … The Royal Navy
Might be the oldest of the three
But they’ll still send enemies packing
To keep our waters free
It does not matter which part one is in
You’ll always be proud of all three
Masters of the seas … The Royal Navy
Might be the oldest of the three
But they’ll still send enemies packing
To keep our waters free
Masters of the
skies … The Royal Air Force
Put on breathtaking show
When taking out a target
Before they even know
Masters of the land … The British Army
Our Brothers in Arms of course
Britain’s got no worries
Thanks to this truly awesome force
Operational tours can be very hard to face
With loved ones posted away
Facing so much danger
Putting their lives on the line every day
But our armed forces have another role
Through the hearts and minds they share
Building whole new lives for less privileged folk
Showing them that they care
When posted at home bases
They’re still away from home
But at least there’s much less danger
And they don’t feel so alone
Then there are the ceremonies
Each service playing their part
Regalia, pomp and circumstance
All delivered from the heart
Military shows
Truly spectacular displays
Showing the world what our armed forces do best
Whilst spectators watch on so amazed
There may be three separate forces
Each one serving a role
But they’re one big military family
Serving Britain – their ultimate goal
Put on breathtaking show
When taking out a target
Before they even know
Masters of the land … The British Army
Our Brothers in Arms of course
Britain’s got no worries
Thanks to this truly awesome force
Operational tours can be very hard to face
With loved ones posted away
Facing so much danger
Putting their lives on the line every day
But our armed forces have another role
Through the hearts and minds they share
Building whole new lives for less privileged folk
Showing them that they care
When posted at home bases
They’re still away from home
But at least there’s much less danger
And they don’t feel so alone
Then there are the ceremonies
Each service playing their part
Regalia, pomp and circumstance
All delivered from the heart
Military shows
Truly spectacular displays
Showing the world what our armed forces do best
Whilst spectators watch on so amazed
There may be three separate forces
Each one serving a role
But they’re one big military family
Serving Britain – their ultimate goal
© Michaela Turner
(aka Kale) proud mum of a serving soldier
Tuesday 2 October 2012
Jabba The Hut Kills Us All
So, I'm known for my randomness and my weird dreams (without eating cheese before I go to bed) so here is my latest stupid dream pish:
So, I was back with Jonathan (my ex-husband for those not in the know) and I wasn't happy. I wanted to leave and had to find the right moment to tell him. This moment turned out to be when lots of pregnant women were doing yoga in the front room of the house we were renting.
As I was telling Jonathan to 'git tae' a bloke in a convertible Capri told me I had to go with him. I was with my pal Leigh-Ann so decided it was fine to go with him. He told me that Jonathan was a dick and that he was his ex-boyfriend so should know. He told me that his potential new wife would regret her decision and that any child of his would be gay and he (Jonathan) wouldn't be able to cope with it cos of the religion that he is immersed in. (NB I just found out that my ex and his new wife are pregnant!)
I went back and confronted Jonathan. We couldn't cope with the pregnant yoga women so went to the toilets in the primary school he works in - we kicked the kids out!
I ended up having to leave because I had to give my Mum a lift to her work - she was very happy I'd left him!
Instead of going to her work, we went to celebrate at a seafood restaurant.
It was a cabin built up on stilts and there were sharks swimming about. Then I spotted a new species - a big flat oblong swimming thing and remarked on it. It housed itself under the other stilt structure opposite us and thrashed about like a loon and caused it to collapse. It then started firing star shaped lego type things at us that were heavy enough to destroy the building - kind of like meteorites...
I couldn't save my mum and then I woke up.
WHAT THE FUCK!
So, I was back with Jonathan (my ex-husband for those not in the know) and I wasn't happy. I wanted to leave and had to find the right moment to tell him. This moment turned out to be when lots of pregnant women were doing yoga in the front room of the house we were renting.
As I was telling Jonathan to 'git tae' a bloke in a convertible Capri told me I had to go with him. I was with my pal Leigh-Ann so decided it was fine to go with him. He told me that Jonathan was a dick and that he was his ex-boyfriend so should know. He told me that his potential new wife would regret her decision and that any child of his would be gay and he (Jonathan) wouldn't be able to cope with it cos of the religion that he is immersed in. (NB I just found out that my ex and his new wife are pregnant!)
I went back and confronted Jonathan. We couldn't cope with the pregnant yoga women so went to the toilets in the primary school he works in - we kicked the kids out!
I ended up having to leave because I had to give my Mum a lift to her work - she was very happy I'd left him!
Instead of going to her work, we went to celebrate at a seafood restaurant.
It was a cabin built up on stilts and there were sharks swimming about. Then I spotted a new species - a big flat oblong swimming thing and remarked on it. It housed itself under the other stilt structure opposite us and thrashed about like a loon and caused it to collapse. It then started firing star shaped lego type things at us that were heavy enough to destroy the building - kind of like meteorites...
I couldn't save my mum and then I woke up.
WHAT THE FUCK!
Sunday 23 September 2012
Royal Navy Reserves - Major Bucket List!
So, life is short. We know this already.
I've done a lot with my life and have had lots of experiences so far. What does this all mean? I have no idea!
I just know that there has to be more to life than making films, studying at Uni, being a performer and teaching people acting stuff.
So, with this in mind, I've decided to sign up for the Royal Navy Reserves in memory of my Dad. This way, I can give back proper. I might go to war and everything!
My Dad was (is) amazing. He's been dead for 19 years. I've lived on this planet without my Dad for the same length of time I was with him. That's a bit weird. I'm only 38 and my Dad has been dead for half my life. Fuck sake.
I have a bucket list that is about 3 pages long and I think it would be wrong of me not to try and tick them all off. One thing on that list is shooting a Somali pirate - this is more likely to happen if I sign up for the Royal Navy Reserves. There is logic to my madness!
Some of the more sensible things on my bucket list are:
I've done a lot with my life and have had lots of experiences so far. What does this all mean? I have no idea!
I just know that there has to be more to life than making films, studying at Uni, being a performer and teaching people acting stuff.
So, with this in mind, I've decided to sign up for the Royal Navy Reserves in memory of my Dad. This way, I can give back proper. I might go to war and everything!
My Dad was (is) amazing. He's been dead for 19 years. I've lived on this planet without my Dad for the same length of time I was with him. That's a bit weird. I'm only 38 and my Dad has been dead for half my life. Fuck sake.
To read more about my amazing Dad see here and here and here and hereI'm not sure that I was put on this planet to do just one thing. I'm only going to be here for about 90-100 years so I want to do as much as I can in that time cos I've no idea where I go next and I figure, the more things I can do here, the more valuable I'll be on the other side. I also want to feel fulfilled on THIS side of the matrix.
I have a bucket list that is about 3 pages long and I think it would be wrong of me not to try and tick them all off. One thing on that list is shooting a Somali pirate - this is more likely to happen if I sign up for the Royal Navy Reserves. There is logic to my madness!
Some of the more sensible things on my bucket list are:
- Swimming with great white sharks - not just in a cage - actual swimming, in amongst them
- Paying for my wee sis to go and work with the Orangutangs in Borneo
- Paying my mum back what I owe her so she can build patio doors and a conservatory (and a stair lift for when she is an old mong)
- Travel to the parts of the world I missed out on when I worked on cruise ships
- Help build a school in Nairobi and visit the wee man I sponsor there
- Complete a 4 year Degree in Forensic Psychobiology - Classes started on Monday 17th Sept 2012!
- Make Raw Talent Productions strong enough to stand side by side with Lions Gate - Well, I am a member of BAFTA, am producing 13 short films and 2 feature films and am Exec Producer on 1 short and 1 feature (the short just won a BAFTA) so watch this space...
- Live on a barge
There are, of course, lots of stupid things on the list like eating 25 packets of Wotsits without licking my lips and winning again at Century Club (a cruise ship thing). There's literally hunners o things I want to do before I croak!
Back to reality, I know some people say that you have to pick one thing and be brilliant at it. I would question - why? You can be brilliant at lots of things if you open your brain!
10,000 hours makes you expert at something. That is 6-7 hours per day for 4 years. So, if you assume you are active on this planet for 50 years, there are lots of things you could be expert in! Why pick just one?
I don't want to pick just one. I want to pick a few things and keep working on them!
Maybe I'm a weirdo - it has been said before!
I just believe that we have a short time on this planet and the answer to most questions should, in the time honoured improv style be, 'yes, okay or yes, let's' regardless of how ridiculous they appear - otherwise how else will you discover new things?
Of course, this sometimes means that you get off a train 6 stops early to party with people in Newcastle that you just met on the train, but they invited you so why not?
Life is short people. Have a laugh and do random things. Do things that your brain tells you you shouldn't do. Do things that you never thought you would.
Otherwise, what is the point of being here?
I know I'm studying Psychology and 'why are we here' is a big question. I have no idea why we are here. I have no idea what the big picture is. I don't believe in Jesus/God. I just believe that we have an amazing chance to do all sorts of random things and why would we not want to exploit that - especially if it can help other people?!
I will be joining the Royal Naval Reserves on Monday 24th September. I will get my fitness levels up to pass their test and I will continue what my amazing Dad started.
At this moment in time, I think this is the best way to be spending my spare time - I've already done the drinking and spewing part of my life, I've now moved on to this!
It's all very exciting AND I get a uniform AND a parade when I pass!
Love you Dad x
Friday 21 September 2012
Mum, Dad, Sis and Best Pals
I'm only here because people have believed in me.
My Mum, Dad, Sis and best pals knew I should be doing drama, film and serial killer stuff and never told me not to.
They came to every show I ever did, even the really shit ones. They listened to all the random rantings I had about Jack the Ripper.
I did a speech in 1st year on Jack the Ripper. It made sure I didn't get beaten up for a week cos I used china graph pens and images on the OHP. I also made it clear that I understood the Locard principle of transference - every contact leaves a trace.
I have recently produced 7 films in 6 months whilst coming out of the other side of a divorce. I have acted in many more.
I am now studying Forensic Psychobiology, full time at University.
I'm sure I wouldn't have done any of it without the love and faith of my family.
My Mum and wee Sis are everything to me (my Dad is now deid but he still counts). My best friends are awesome.
They believe in me.
That is amazing.
My mum just wants me to be happy. What more should a parent ask for?
My Mum is the best :-)
LYL Mama Raw xx
My Mum, Dad, Sis and best pals knew I should be doing drama, film and serial killer stuff and never told me not to.
They came to every show I ever did, even the really shit ones. They listened to all the random rantings I had about Jack the Ripper.
I did a speech in 1st year on Jack the Ripper. It made sure I didn't get beaten up for a week cos I used china graph pens and images on the OHP. I also made it clear that I understood the Locard principle of transference - every contact leaves a trace.
I have recently produced 7 films in 6 months whilst coming out of the other side of a divorce. I have acted in many more.
I am now studying Forensic Psychobiology, full time at University.
I'm sure I wouldn't have done any of it without the love and faith of my family.
My Mum and wee Sis are everything to me (my Dad is now deid but he still counts). My best friends are awesome.
They believe in me.
That is amazing.
My mum just wants me to be happy. What more should a parent ask for?
My Mum is the best :-)
LYL Mama Raw xx
Anti-depressants and University - oh the drama!
So, I was told to stay on my anti-depressants after my last check up because the amount of drama I've had in the last year, well the last 3 years in general, puts me 'off the scale' as far as the mood chart goes. Who knew that doctors had a mood chart. It probably has some clinically impressive name but it's basically a bunch of questions and you rate your mood on a sliding scale from 1 to 10. 10 being 'I've actually already killed myself' and 1 being 'why am I even filling in this chart, my life is amazing'. I'll not tell you my score but let's just say I've loosened the noose a wee bit!
Joking aside, it's been a major uphill battle this last year or so, with everything that kicked off in January 2009 finally coming to an end. It's going to make for an extended episode of 'Piers Morgan's Life Stories' when I finally get invited on.
My life has been so full of shite and drama that I'm amazed I've not been sporting the latest in straight jacket trends before now.
Along with all the other shite, I was just recently diagnosed with Posterior Subcapsular Cataracts, which basically means I am slowly going blind and they can't (won't) operate until I'm at the 'seriously, I can't see a fucking thing and I'm learning to play the piano like Stevie Wonder' stage due to all my past surgeries for detached retinas.
The risk with this type of surgery IS detached retinas! Mine have already been detached so it could go either way - they are either glued on with major 'No Nails For Eyes' or, they will re-detach during surgery, never to be reattached again and I will see no more.
So, in a nutshell, I'm a slightly overweight, divorced, almost blind woman. Fantastic!
Okay, so the weight I can fix (start my new gym programme next week), the divorce has given me stories that no one can believe and going blind means I can finally get a dog, so every cloud...
So what do I do?
Well, I thought, FUCK IT and started University!
It's all quite silly really! Apart from being shit at the chemistry stuff, I'm quite liking it. I never thought I would be content living with three 20 year old boys but hey ho, life is full of new things! Who knew that living in student halls and studying my arse off would resurrect my life?!
I am very much a positive person and the way I see it (ha 'see' what I did there? Cos of the blind thing...oh fuck it, never mind!) the time will pass anyway so you might as well do something with that time. This will give you stories for when you are in a home, pishing into a bag, eating pureed food, bitching at the YTS worker!
Regardless of the shit you may have had, currently have or will have, rain down on you, life will happen anyway. You can live it to the full and crack the fuck on, or you can let it finish you off.
At the end of the day, when we die, we probably all end up in the same 'place' (wherever that may be) so, your only decision is - when do you want to go there?
I'm not ready to go there yet and will kick and scream until the last breath escapes my body as I'm clinging to a vodka, texting my mum, sis and pals. Having said that, I'm not scared of it cos I'll see my Dad, Gran, Biscuit, Vincent, Katie and a few other dead family members - I'm just not ready for a face to face catch up quite yet.
So, in another nutshell, I'll crack on at Uni for as long as I can see. I will then have an operation and will either continue to see better than I do right now, or I will see fuck all. I'll worry about that when it happens. In the meantime, I have been practising walking about blindfolded, just in case!
Life is a rollercoaster! Get on and puke your guts up or stand and watch and wonder what it feels like!
Front row in the first car for me please.
Joking aside, it's been a major uphill battle this last year or so, with everything that kicked off in January 2009 finally coming to an end. It's going to make for an extended episode of 'Piers Morgan's Life Stories' when I finally get invited on.
My life has been so full of shite and drama that I'm amazed I've not been sporting the latest in straight jacket trends before now.
Along with all the other shite, I was just recently diagnosed with Posterior Subcapsular Cataracts, which basically means I am slowly going blind and they can't (won't) operate until I'm at the 'seriously, I can't see a fucking thing and I'm learning to play the piano like Stevie Wonder' stage due to all my past surgeries for detached retinas.
The risk with this type of surgery IS detached retinas! Mine have already been detached so it could go either way - they are either glued on with major 'No Nails For Eyes' or, they will re-detach during surgery, never to be reattached again and I will see no more.
So, in a nutshell, I'm a slightly overweight, divorced, almost blind woman. Fantastic!
Okay, so the weight I can fix (start my new gym programme next week), the divorce has given me stories that no one can believe and going blind means I can finally get a dog, so every cloud...
So what do I do?
Well, I thought, FUCK IT and started University!
It's all quite silly really! Apart from being shit at the chemistry stuff, I'm quite liking it. I never thought I would be content living with three 20 year old boys but hey ho, life is full of new things! Who knew that living in student halls and studying my arse off would resurrect my life?!
I am very much a positive person and the way I see it (ha 'see' what I did there? Cos of the blind thing...oh fuck it, never mind!) the time will pass anyway so you might as well do something with that time. This will give you stories for when you are in a home, pishing into a bag, eating pureed food, bitching at the YTS worker!
Regardless of the shit you may have had, currently have or will have, rain down on you, life will happen anyway. You can live it to the full and crack the fuck on, or you can let it finish you off.
At the end of the day, when we die, we probably all end up in the same 'place' (wherever that may be) so, your only decision is - when do you want to go there?
I'm not ready to go there yet and will kick and scream until the last breath escapes my body as I'm clinging to a vodka, texting my mum, sis and pals. Having said that, I'm not scared of it cos I'll see my Dad, Gran, Biscuit, Vincent, Katie and a few other dead family members - I'm just not ready for a face to face catch up quite yet.
So, in another nutshell, I'll crack on at Uni for as long as I can see. I will then have an operation and will either continue to see better than I do right now, or I will see fuck all. I'll worry about that when it happens. In the meantime, I have been practising walking about blindfolded, just in case!
Life is a rollercoaster! Get on and puke your guts up or stand and watch and wonder what it feels like!
Front row in the first car for me please.
Monday 10 September 2012
I Just Started Uni - Day 1
OMG
I feel like that bird from Legally Blonde!
Apparently, making your own packed lunch is not the done thing - I learned that on day 1 - you get ridiculed. My lunch was cheaper than theirs so I still fail to see their argument.
Apparently, wearing an Abertay t-shirt on your first day is like career suicide. Having said that, the bloke that invented the course invited me to his psychology group?!
Apparently, buying an Abertay hoodie in the campus shop and 'putting it straight on', on your first day, is a no-no. I refer you back to my note above!
Apparently, speaking up in debate class is what mentals do. Then I guess I'm a mental!
Apparently, telling people that you know who Roy Castle, Stu Francis and Jimmy Saville are, is a faux pas. Then a faux pas I be!
That pretty much sums up day 1!
I also crashed a student party but felt old and sensible, so I left!!
I feel like that bird from Legally Blonde!
Apparently, making your own packed lunch is not the done thing - I learned that on day 1 - you get ridiculed. My lunch was cheaper than theirs so I still fail to see their argument.
Apparently, wearing an Abertay t-shirt on your first day is like career suicide. Having said that, the bloke that invented the course invited me to his psychology group?!
Apparently, buying an Abertay hoodie in the campus shop and 'putting it straight on', on your first day, is a no-no. I refer you back to my note above!
Apparently, speaking up in debate class is what mentals do. Then I guess I'm a mental!
Apparently, telling people that you know who Roy Castle, Stu Francis and Jimmy Saville are, is a faux pas. Then a faux pas I be!
That pretty much sums up day 1!
I also crashed a student party but felt old and sensible, so I left!!
Come Dine With Me - You Know You Want To...Part II
So, I got offered a place but had to turn it down cos of Uni - filming was happening the same week my classes started so I had to make a decision!
I told them that I'm game for it but it would need to be later! I'm on their list - I think it's cos of the 'cult member' hubby!
Who cares, telly is telly!
Watch this space for later in the year!
I told them that I'm game for it but it would need to be later! I'm on their list - I think it's cos of the 'cult member' hubby!
Who cares, telly is telly!
Watch this space for later in the year!
Friday 3 August 2012
Come Dine With Me. You Know You Want To!
So, I've been roped into applying for the aforementioned show.
My application has been copied almost verbatim below so you can be the judge as to whether I get on or not!
So, I'll let you know if I get on the show!
My application has been copied almost verbatim below so you can be the judge as to whether I get on or not!
| Marital Status: | DIVORCED FROM A RELIGIOUS CULT MEMBER! |
| Address: | LEFT BLANK COS OF STALKERS |
| Do you own or rent where you live? | RENT |
| Home Tel: | N/A |
| Mob: | 07775 592 604 |
| Work Tel: | 0131 510 0133 |
| E-mail: | helen@helenraw.com |
| Twitter Username: | @helenraw |
| Can you accept calls at work? | YES |
| How did you hear about us? | DARREN MOORE FROM EDINBURGH247.COM |
SENSITIVE PERSONAL INFORMATION
| Do you have any medical conditions, including any disabilities or allergies, which the production team should be made aware of? | No If you have answered “yes”, please specify details below and any special requirements you may have for any audition We require this information in order to ensure that we meet our duty of care to you as an auditionee or a contestant, including the provision of suitable access. |
| Have you ever been convicted of a crime, or are you the subject of ongoing criminal proceedings or investigations, or do you have any County Court judgments against you? | No If you have answered “yes”, please specify below full details of any conviction(s)). We reserve the right to carry out background checks on you to verify the above information and you hereby authorise us to carry out such checks. Disclosure of criminal convictions, proceedings and/or judgments may not automatically exclude you from participating but we shall be entitled to exercise our sole discretion. You must notify us immediately if your circumstances change. |
| Is there any other information we should be made aware of? You must not withhold material facts that may jeopardise or otherwise negatively impact the Programme. | Yes, I think If you have answered “yes”, please specify details below. I’m not sure what information you mean but I once gave Glen Michael from Glen Michael’s Cavalcade a row for cheating at ‘Splat the Rat’ I also wrote some not very nice letters to Jim’ll Fix It when I didn’t get on his show. |
EMPLOYMENT AND QUALIFICATIONS
| What is your present occupation? (Please provide details) | Actress, Singer, Film Producer |
| What jobs have you previously had? | Temp jobs - Secretary, PA, Chicken wrapper in a factory, bank clerk, waitress, barmaid – the list goes on |
| Have you ever trained or worked as a professional chef , cook or caterer? | Hahahaha NO! |
ABOUT YOURSELF
| Now the fun bit…. How would your friends and family describe you? | . Unhinged, driven and a bit of a mentalist (I guess everyone says that though, just to get on the show) | ||
| How would you rate yourself in the kitchen? How often do you cook? What meal have you cooked that you are most proud of? | Well, I’ve made some videos of me cooking in the past and the comments have never been particularly complimentary. I like to experiment and once put crisps and chocolate in soup. | ||
| How competitive are you? | Sometimes I’m very competitive but other times I’m more about the banter and can’t be bothered about the winning. | ||
| How honest are you if you don’t like something? Please give examples. | Well, I was in my vocal rehab group tonight and the therapist asked what we thought of her new choice of music and I said ‘I hated it, it really got on my tits’ I try to be diplomatic and tactful but sometimes, it just comes out a bit blunt! I always say what I think though. | ||
| How good are you with criticism/negative feedback? | I’m an actor/singer so it happens all the time – if it’s constructive, then great. If not, I might just cry in a cupboard for weeks. | ||
| What makes you laugh/ smile? | Most things make me laugh. I especially like when people fart by accident. | ||
| What's the funniest / oddest thing you've ever done or seen done? | Oh god, there have been so many but I think the most recent was seeing the drunk Polish man pissing on the bread in ASDA – hilarious and gross at the same time. Tonight, I got almost marched out of Tescos by security because I asked if a brain would fit in a click and shut container – I’m making brain moulds for my next film but they didn’t quite see the production side and thought I was on day release from somewhere! | ||
| From experience what are people’s first impressions of you when they meet you? | They think I’m gobby, mental, a bit of a twat and overbearing. Just give me 20 minutes! | ||
| Would you say you are an opinionated person? If so please tell us about some of the opinions you hold and why. | I am opinionated. I think organised religion should be banned I think child molestors should be jailed for life and made to watch reruns of Crossroads I think Barbra Streisand is amazing and I think the Beatles are a bit pants | ||
| What are you passionate about in life and why? | I’m passionate about filmmaking, acting and singing because it has been my life since I was 8 and I love what I do. I also quite like organising and bossing people about. | ||
| What are your best and worst character traits? | BEST: friendly, supportive, reliable, fun, loyal WORST: gobby, opinionated, loud, overbearing | ||
| Describe the best / worst dinner party you've been to. | BEST: we played Cluedo in fancy dress and got drunk then went to the pub in our gear WORST: my (ex) husband’s friends came round and we spoke about Jesus and drank vegetarian wine | ||
| Your perfect/nightmare guest(s) are? | PERFECT: Barbra Streisand, Margaret Thatcher, Winston Churchill, Billy Connolly, Tom Cruise WORST: Osama Bin Laden, Hitler, Glen Michael, Tony Hart | ||
| Please describe your home. Is there anything noteworthy or unusual about it? You can also send photos. | Nope, nothing noteworthy whatsoever. It has a lot of spiders mind. | ||
| What interesting items do you have in your house that reflect you? | I have a dressing-up box. I have a 12 inch Michael Myers doll I have lots of horror DVD’s | ||
| Are you a vegetarian? How strict are you about this? | Hell no. Meat has to be bloody. | ||
| What are your food “likes” and “dislikes”? Are you a fussy eater? | Not fussy at all. As long as it’s not tripe, I’ll probably eat it! | ||
| What things can irritate you when you go to someone’s house for dinner? | Cat hair Dirty house Bogging toilet Dirty cutlery | ||
| What is your newspaper of choice? | Dailymash.com | ||
| Have you ever been on television before? | Yes | ||
| What would your ideal menu be to cook on the show? Please give us two options. (Theme and additional comments are optional.) |
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| Do you ever do anything as the host to liven the night up during a dinner party? (E.g. a theme or dress code.) | I’d probably get my pals in to sing a few songs and my other pal to do magic. | ||
| What do you and your guests usually talk about at your dinner parties? Are there any subjects that you think are best avoided? | Anything and everything! Nope – bring it on | ||
| Would you put on entertainment on your night? Any ideas? | Aye, singers and magicians (no clowns, I hate clowns) | ||
| How else would you make your night different from others you have seen on Come Dine With Me? | I would be there | ||
| How do you spend your spare time (hobbies etc)? | Film making, singing, reading about serial killers | ||
| Why do you think you could win Come Dine With Me? | Because people will have fun and the food will be slightly better than at the Little Chef! |
So, I'll let you know if I get on the show!
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