Mama Raw phoned me a couple of hours ago to make sure I was okay. I had no idea what she was on about.
Then I remembered. On this day in 2007, I got married and 54 weeks later, on St Andrews weekend, that same husband walked out on me. He came home from a boys weekend and said ‘we are fundamentally different and wholly incompatible, I want a divorce’. I replied ‘but I’ve defrosted a haggis’!
I have been busy rearranging and cleaning my flat, working on film budgets, making HNY messages for my business pages and websites and have been so busy that I had completely forgotten that today is/was/should be my wedding anniversary.
It was a horrendous period in my life and my divorce dragged on from January 2009 until April 2010 - longer than the course of my marriage. I had private detectives following me and people visiting my ex-employers looking for salary information to use against me with the court. It was all quite nasty.
He was religious, I wasn’t. He wanted everyone to love him, I didn’t really care what people thought. He wanted me to have a ‘proper’ job, I was quite happy ducking and diving with my acting, singing and temp work. He wanted me to be slim with a flat stomach (I was a UK10 when I was with him), I wanted him to stop crying all the time and just fix the shelves. On paper, it was never going to work! Love does funny things.
So, would I change things if I could go back in time?
No.
Had I stayed married or never met him in the first place, I would never have met the people I now spend so much of my time working with. I wouldn’t be co-running one of the biggest and most popular actor groups on Facebook, I wouldn’t be a director and producer for a new film company that is already causing ripples, I wouldn’t be a member of BAFTA, I wouldn’t be a member of BECTU and I wouldn’t be doing the degree I am doing and working on a potentially industry changing 4th year thesis.
Now don’t get me wrong, IF I could go back in time proper, I’d make it so my Dad didn’t die a horrible death from cancer when he was only 43 (on my 19th birthday) and I would take the rest of my life as it comes BUT we can’t go back in time and we can’t change the past so we work with what we have.
In Jan 2015, I went through the Hoffman Process. It was amazing - scarily amazing - and as such, I feel I’ve rebelled against it BUT I’ve finally realised that I need to look after ME before I can give anything of any meaning to anyone else. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still done things - I foster cats and dogs out of homelessness, medical emergency and domestic abuses situations; I mentor a young person to help steer them away from the criminal justice system BUT I have been complete arse to myself.
I also realise that the age my Dad died has a lot to do with this behaviour - I've a Psychology degree now don't you know - it's almost like my brain says 'if I am also going to die at 43 I need to ram as much in as I can' at detriment to myself if need be, just in case anything gets missed, cos that list needs to be ticked off!
I’ve let my inner child take over and be a nippy wee fucker and I now need to get the rest of me 'in sync' so that everything works equally. I probably won't die at 43 so I need to sort my shit out and prepare for living until I'm 97 (like my Gran - nice Gran, not shit Gran).
I get it now - I thought I ‘got it’ before but having the answers to everything kind of made me go backwards for a bit! Ridiculous I know BUT having the awareness to know what you need to correct and change is the essence of Hoffman - knowing that things need to change and then following through with those changes. I’ve started listening, proper. Thank you to my fellow Hoffers.
I will also start blogging again in 2016 so be warned…
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE - Let’s make 2016 a stonker :-) xxx
