"A Guy Would Knock Your Teeth Out" - Best Line From a Dating Site Email...EVER!

I've had a pretty pants day. 

I am working on a project that is almost undoable and unfathomable but, on the upside, I am working with amazing folks.  However, by the time I get home, my brainspace is pretty wasted and all I want to do is collapse.

So, I do a quick check of a few folks on FB (with 1213 friends I don't have time to check the newsfeed, sorry!) and then I decide whether to 

• eat
• have a bath
• respond to my company (Raw Talent) mail and messages.  

There isn't really time to do them all.

Sometimes, however, I just say FUCK IT and decide to have a look to see if I've been sent any Plenty of Fish emails (and then build in time to blog about it...).

I came home to this today:

Johnnyboy1690:  fu ck know wonder your single.....no guy would put up with you without knocking a couple of teeth out, even though your fit that wouldnt be enough. have a nice day. 

Raw: Thank you so much for making contact.

I have taken the liberty of correcting your email. Clearly, your many baseball hats (as seen in your lovely pictures) are all sitting too tightly on your head and cutting off blood flow to the non-Playstation parts of your brain. 

Correction to your original correspondence: "Fuck, no wonder you're single. No guy would put up with you without knocking a couple of [your] teeth out. Even though you're fit, that wouldn't be enough. Have a nice day."

Seeing as you neglected your apostrophes, missed vital punctuation, used 'know' instead of 'no' and refused to use capital letters, it would never have worked out anyway. It's just as well you're not interested.  Have a nice day yourself and thank you again for taking the time to email me. 

Johnnyboy1690:  We'll clearly you have too much time on your hands ! And to fix your mistakes my baseball hats fit nice and snug on my head, And i have not got a playstation.....its a xbox ;-). Maybe one day you will take that thumb out of your bumhole and worry about more important things in life. end of rant.

Raw: Aw, bless.

I'm actually still 'lawling' to myself.  

I've even sent it to another (decent) bloke I'm chatting to on the same site - he also finds it hilarious, thank god!

It has to be said that PlentyofFish.com is giving me so much material for shows, short films and sketches that I've had to put a disclaimer on my profile!

End of profile states: 

• NB: if you send me some sort of knobberish email, you may end up as a Facebook status or as material for my one-woman show. You have been warned - sending shite after reading this is considered permission to have your material used for my own amusement!

Link to my 'fish' profile :-)

Johnnyboy1690 has unwittingly made my night :-)

Smart Car Drivers versus Non Smart Car Drivers

Right, let me get a few things straight:

• I drive a Smart car.  
• She is called Bridget.  
• She is brilliant and is an actual car.  
• I can take her on motorways and drive her quite fast (as long as it's not too windy).
• We are not looking for a fight on the roads
• We are quite happy to be left to tootle along and get to where we need to get to.

However, if you drive a big gas guzzling bastard of a car and me and Bridget overtake you, this is not, I repeat NOT:

a) an insult to your manliness
b) a piss-take towards your car
c) meant in any way to be the instigation of a chase and/or a fight


Therefore, when me and Bridget DO overtake you, as is our wont, please DO NOT:

• speed up behind us like a fucking maniac to 're-overtake' us then stare into the car, laugh and shake your head whilst sticking up the V's
• speed up whilst me and Bridget are overtaking you forcing us to pull back in behind you
• wind down your window and shout 'get a real car' 

That's it.

Updates on the Dating Saga...

Gotta love Plentyoffish.com - why do you think I bought plentyofpish.com for my blog address?  Wonder if someone from the site will ever contact me and give me grief for it...law suit pending?  Meh, who cares!  


I've not been on the site in a while, purely cos I can check messages on my iPhone then I forget to go in and actually do any replying.  Not that there are many I'd actually reply to because I stick quite clearly to the rules in my profile.  If you ask shit questions, you don't get a reply.  If you speak at me in text spk(?!) you get ignored and if you have any sort of religious connotation, that too knocks you out of the ball park.  


However, the site are so keen to hook me up, they have now started 'recommending' suitors.  In big bold letters: 

We strongly recommend that you look at the following users as well...

As well as what?  The string of other complete numb nuts who have emailed me?  Great, now they're SUGGESTING twats for you to chat to!  Why would I want to get into a conversation with a left wing Minister?  That is clearly going to end in tears with one of our faces having been clawed off by the other.  Not the best match making suggestion in the universe!  Pull your finger out PoF!

So, this latest recommendation (nowhere near as exciting or accurate as Amazon's ones) appears to be lovely - if you're a Wallace and Gromit fan and fancy eating Wensleydale sarnies all night.  I say this because he actually looks like Wallace.  Or is it Gromit?  Which one is not the dog?  He also has been badly hurt in the past and wants a nice quiet life?!

• Dear People at Plenty of Fish - HAVE YOU MET ME??  Which part of my profile screams 'quiet life' and 'bloke will have easy time with no drama'?

Bless him, he had also already sent me an email (clearly following up on the 100% spot-on matchmaking suggestions) which he finished with, PLEASE email me back even if it's to say 'no thanks' just so I'm not hanging on.  WTF it's a dodgy dating site - what does he mean 'hanging on'?  He has annoyed me already by clearly being needy.  If you don't get an email back, go outside and play with your real friends.  Sheesh!

This next email did actually make me laugh even though I think it was supposed to offend:

Subject: You sound a pain in the ass too.... From: BigDadC has closed their account Sent Date: 6/2/2011 2:43:53 PM

hi, you look cool hi, would love to chat to you hi, like your profile, let's chat!!! Sorry I couldn't resist letting you know you don't control the tinterweb and guys will send you any boring drivel they can be assed stringing together I'm afraid.... Just think yourself lucky I never typed this in txtspk!

So, the upshot is, I'm still single, I'm still gathering material for not only my one-woman show but now all the websodes being part of this site has got me thinking about...gotta laugh really.

Here is the most hilarious/random/ridiculous email convo from tonight...so far:

Raw:  funny profile - you're completely insane!  Any luck on this pile of pish site? I'm hardly ever on to be honest - just here to get material for my one woman show really :-)

Spanish Man: Oh, hello. Well, you're the first person to send me a positive reply (notwithstanding your casting aspersions on my mental health), so I guess I'd have to say I'm not having any luck.  Since you have decided I'm insane, does this mean I'm eligible to chase your trolley round Asda? It's been ages since a woman let me do that.

Raw:  well, considering I'm out of action on a work thing til end of Aug then away til end of Sep, even spotting me with a trolley would be akin to being on Challenge Anneka!

Spanish Man:  Oh, that's a shame. Perhaps I should start by dating a text-talking shellsuit-wearer (sporting jewellery that spells out her name) and work my way up.

Raw: Aw, enjoy your first date with Shaniqua then :-)

Spanish Man:  I will - but I'll be thinking of you. Wait - that sounded a bit creepy. Meh...

Raw: erm, yeah it did a bit...

Breath of fresh air really!

My 'Apprentice' Application... purely fir the banter...

I think I would have a right laugh on the prog - "too young to care and too old to give a shit" - THE PERFECT COMBINATION!

Bring on The Raw!

My initial application:
Why should you be Lord Sugar's business partner? 

* Why not?

What makes you different from everyone else applying?  

* I can turn my hand to anything and, with my actor training, I am used to adapting to most situations.

What is the most interesting thing about you?

* I have double jointed pinkies and have given Glen Michael (Glen Michaels Cavalcade) a row for cheating at 'splat the rat'

What's the most impressive thing you've ever done in business? 

* Set up a business whilst going through a divorce and never spending a penny on advertising, relying solely on word of mouth!

It should be noted that I will be on location shooting and AD'ing a feature film when the auditions are called - just want to see if you can get through to that part of the process by being a normal, non-full-of-pish human being!

update and reply from The Apprentice Team

BBC On

Thank you for applying

If your application is successful, you will be called to an interview via email in the two weeks following July 8th 2011 in either London, Manchester or Birmingham.

We wish you every luck and success.

The Apprentice T

Click here to return to The Apprentice 2011 website