Blokes Are Mental...

...they really are.


I was chatting to a bloke over in Belfast who seemed totally normal.


We texted a few times a day and spoke every few days - at least once a week.


Then we were due to meet. 


Suddenly the texts stopped.  


The phone calls stopped.  


The emails stopped.


I texted, called and emailed leaving messages to make sure he was okay - he works as a sergeant on a base in Belfast - who knows what might have happened.


It transpires he was just being a bloke!  Blokes are dead keen and full on until the know 'the meet' is about to happen.  Why?  What's the worst that can happen - you hate each other and don't get on?  You love each other and want to adopt a child together and marry in Vegas?  Or, somewhere in between which means you take it easy and see how it goes...


I'm not quite sure why this causes men to sweat and break into hives.  A bloke on a dating site requesting his 'perfect girl' is quite up for meeting that 'special someone'.  I, on the other hand, am in this dating malarky for the banter - if a decent bloke rears his head in the meantime then cool beans but it ain't gonna kill me if no such bloke materialises. 


That, apparently is my problem.


I don't NEED a man.  I'd LIKE a man.


Why would a man want to be with me if I don't NEED him...?


Not my words, the words of a Plenty of Fish genius!


I don't NEED a man.  A man would be lovely in my life but I certainly ain't gonna cry about not having one.  


I can wire a plug, I can fix my telly, I can reboot my internet, I can put up shelves, I can protect myself from bullies and can win many fights.   I can fold a fitted sheet, I can clean my own windows, I can find porn on my computer and I can drink beer. 


What I can't do is successfully grout tiles and catch spiders.


Perhaps I should just put out a job advert instead of a dating profile...


Seriously men, we are not mental people - tell us what you think instead of making us guess!  


It shouldn't be like The Krypton Factor trying to work out what a bloke wants!


Sheesh!

Being Female is a Fucking Pain

Don't get me wrong, most of the time, being female is awesome, however, there are times when it would be so much easier to have a penis.


For example: 


On Friday, I have a doctors appointment.  I have the same doctors appointment every 12 weeks.  I get the 'anti baby' injection.  When I say anti-baby injection, I really mean the 'stop my periods ya fucker cos they do my nut in and why do I really need them anyway' injection.


It's always the same sketch: 


Nurse: "Hi Miss Raw, which 'cheek' was it last time"
Raw:  "The right"
Nurse: "Okay, please part your pants and bend over the couch in a really uncomfortable position"
Nurse: "Please relax"
Nurse: "Please relax"
Nurse: "Okay, I'm about to stick you [with a needle the size of a fucking telegraph pole - phew, you're old enough to know what a telegraph pole is]"
Raw: "ARGH, ya fucker"
Nurse: "Okay, that's you for another 12 weeks"
Raw: Okay, thanks nurse


It's also lovely when you go for your smear.  


A smear test has nothing to do with a slur on your name but has everything to do with the fact that  the quality of your fanny is taken into question.


You sit on a bed, in paper pants, with another woman (usually) looking right up your chuff. She then sticks a massive, cotton bud/HB pencil hybrid up there and has a swoosh around.


If you're lucky, all is well and your fanny is left intact.


However, if you have 'abnormal celling' in your results, it is assumed (by men) that you are now diseased and cannot pro-create or even have sex - even just for a laugh or a dare.  It apparently just means that, should you partake in sexual intercourse with a man, it is more likely you will develop some sort of illness.


This, however, is not correct.  If you get an abnormal result on your smear, it is highly likely that your fanny is just rife with bacteria and just needs a good sorting out.  Therefore, you eat lots of yoghurt and 'smear on' lots of yoghurt.


Here endeth the lesson... :-)


I will write more about being a woman when I have stopped crying about the fact that my extractor fan has stopped working and my scented candles have run out and my cushions need plumping...

Apostophes, Commas, Punctuation...Oh My!

Man: 
pffffffffffffffft aye that was a wee silent fart, and that was just for starters wait till you smell it haha. i just finished readin your profile...... i thought it was quite shite haha nah you know i never or i wouldnt be tryin so hard with this message to get you to want to keep readin , is it working ? haha nah dont answer that yet i'll just keep talkin n hope you dont notice. Anyway im pretty sure if i met you id be able to make you laugh nearly as much as i hope ; ) right i'll beat it for a while n hope to hear back from you within the hour..... tick tock.....tick tock aye move it haha joke please dont punch me really hard (unless im unconcious and you have to wake me up?) 



The Raw: 
Hmmmm, none of your I's were capitalised - it'll never work...


Man: 
AND, haha at least i got you to reply haha so one up to me ;)

Man:  Haha you might aswell just take your big red pen out and go through the whole thing with me, i never was good at english, but i can count to 78

The Raw: 
Touche turtle!



Man:
So did i pass the first test ? Huh ? C'mon im firing capital letters in here and Trying to look cooler than usual for ya haha


The Raw:
Oh God, the humanity! Apostrophes??

Public Fellation...

Yet more randomness from my dating site chat - seriously, does anyone else get involved in this type of conversation?


FYI - we are no longer chatting...


Initial email:
Bloke:  So dramatic! So intense! So why did your husband leave you? Do you really require those glasses? Are you always wanting to control situations, i'm thinking bedroom antics? i feel if you reply it may be a long one. Oh i'm not on facebook, goodness no!!. I really do work in the caring profession.


Initial response:

Raw:  My husband left me because I refused to fellate him in public and I point blank refused 

to cut his toast into soldiers! Win some, lose some!


The rest of the chat:
Bloke:  It's good to be disciplined and have principals.  I left my previous partner for not cutting my pizza into lovehearts!  Romance is dead.

Raw:  tell me about it...


Bloke:  Nope, your a big girl and you should know by now.  Don't be so glum, we just don't put up with the same crap we did as teens ( well some needy folk do)....thus it's harder to find that special someone.  Your high maintenance?


Raw:  not high maintenance, just appreciate a well placed apostrophe...

Bloke:   Did i make a mistake? Oh dear! English is not my strong point.   You putting on a show for the festival? Raw: Yes, you did. Numerous.  No, not this year. Bloke:  Running methadone clinics daily must be rubbing off on me. Its all that Glasgow drug talk. I apologize for the "numerous" mistakes. What a great start i'm having. I'm sure i just made more.  Do you enjoy correcting people? Raw: I enjoy correcting people on here purely because I talk about it in my profile, therefore I feel I'm allowed!  Do you test the methadone before you hand it out? Bloke:  Well if it massages that ego then its fine with me. The pharmacist hands out methadone. I run clinics in the community and hand out prescriptions. I use councelling skills to motivate the clients.  I was addicted to coco pops once. Raw: OMG I was addicted to Frosties, once. I still go to 'group' now and again. I like porridge now.

Bloke: We all progress to porridge. I like it with honey, reminds me of the sweet tasting choclate milk when hooked on coco pops.  Now i'm craving big time. Need my fix, any suggestions?

Raw:  Haribo Tangfastics?

Bloke: I was thinking of sucking on a juicy lolly.

Raw:  I bet you were