So, I was told to stay on my anti-depressants after my last check up because the amount of drama I've had in the last year, well the last 3 years in general, puts me 'off the scale' as far as the mood chart goes. Who knew that doctors had a mood chart. It probably has some clinically impressive name but it's basically a bunch of questions and you rate your mood on a sliding scale from 1 to 10. 10 being 'I've actually already killed myself' and 1 being 'why am I even filling in this chart, my life is amazing'. I'll not tell you my score but let's just say I've loosened the noose a wee bit!
Joking aside, it's been a major uphill battle this last year or so, with everything that kicked off in January 2009 finally coming to an end. It's going to make for an extended episode of 'Piers Morgan's Life Stories' when I finally get invited on.
My life has been so full of shite and drama that I'm amazed I've not been sporting the latest in straight jacket trends before now.
Along with all the other shite, I was just recently diagnosed with Posterior Subcapsular Cataracts, which basically means I am slowly going blind and they can't (won't) operate until I'm at the 'seriously, I can't see a fucking thing and I'm learning to play the piano like Stevie Wonder' stage due to all my past surgeries for detached retinas.
The risk with this type of surgery IS detached retinas! Mine have already been detached so it could go either way - they are either glued on with major 'No Nails For Eyes' or, they will re-detach during surgery, never to be reattached again and I will see no more.
So, in a nutshell, I'm a slightly overweight, divorced, almost blind woman. Fantastic!
Okay, so the weight I can fix (start my new gym programme next week), the divorce has given me stories that no one can believe and going blind means I can finally get a dog, so every cloud...
So what do I do?
Well, I thought, FUCK IT and started University!
It's all quite silly really! Apart from being shit at the chemistry stuff, I'm quite liking it. I never thought I would be content living with three 20 year old boys but hey ho, life is full of new things! Who knew that living in student halls and studying my arse off would resurrect my life?!
I am very much a positive person and the way I see it (ha 'see' what I did there? Cos of the blind thing...oh fuck it, never mind!) the time will pass anyway so you might as well do something with that time. This will give you stories for when you are in a home, pishing into a bag, eating pureed food, bitching at the YTS worker!
Regardless of the shit you may have had, currently have or will have, rain down on you, life will happen anyway. You can live it to the full and crack the fuck on, or you can let it finish you off.
At the end of the day, when we die, we probably all end up in the same 'place' (wherever that may be) so, your only decision is - when do you want to go there?
I'm not ready to go there yet and will kick and scream until the last breath escapes my body as I'm clinging to a vodka, texting my mum, sis and pals. Having said that, I'm not scared of it cos I'll see my Dad, Gran, Biscuit, Vincent, Katie and a few other dead family members - I'm just not ready for a face to face catch up quite yet.
So, in another nutshell, I'll crack on at Uni for as long as I can see. I will then have an operation and will either continue to see better than I do right now, or I will see fuck all. I'll worry about that when it happens. In the meantime, I have been practising walking about blindfolded, just in case!
Life is a rollercoaster! Get on and puke your guts up or stand and watch and wonder what it feels like!
Front row in the first car for me please.
3 comments:
Hey Hel, when I read "posterior cateracts" my first thought was, well, you're a student and students are good at not being able to see their ass...getting out of bed! Of course, joking apart, I'm surprised and concerned to read this news but encouraged by the positive way you've chosen to deal with it through self deprication - a side of you I haven't seen before(!) Living with 3 20 year old lads is my idea of hell but I bet it's their idea of Hell-en! (Or something. Needs a bit of work!) I'd have loved it when I was 20 I know because I'd have an in-house maid, cleaner AND emergency hand-job - it would be just like living at home! (What?...too far?!?!)
All the very best to you Helen in doing what you want to do. Don't worry, be happy ooo-ooo-ooo-oooo-ooooo-ooo-ooo-oooo (etc) Gx
Thanks G although the maid and hand job is taking my role a bit too far... :-)
Yes, I woke up concerned about that one Helen. You're happy about the cleaning part though, that's good. :-) x
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