Muuuuum...What's For Tea?

When I was wee (I mean young, I'm still wee!) me and my wee (I mean younger, cos I'm still the wee-est) sister would scream from our bedroom (yes we shared a room until I was about 16, unheard of today, apparently), "Muuuuum, what's fir tea"?  The Muuuuum would be sung on a 3 syllable, 2 note sliding scale 'Muu-uu-um'.  You know what I mean?


Anyway, the answer was usually one of the following:


a) "wait and see"
b) "mish mash"
c) "shit with sugar on"
d) "bread and water like the kids in the children's home - by the way you're being sent to live there next week..."


So, it is with great joy that I continue the 'mish-mash' tradition.


My mum, however, managed to do it with much more grace and style and made it look as though it was always intentional.  You would never see my Mum raiding the fridge and the cupboards looking for out of date food to chuck in a pan.  I, on the other hand...


Mum would always manage to make something really quite tasty and pleasant to look at from leftovers and random stuff.  I, on the other hand, make shit coloured soup that often has Mandarin Muller Light infused through it.  I'm not sure infused is the right word.  What is the right word for 'dolloping a spoonful in and hoping for the best'?


My mum used to make this amazing thing with leftover spaghetti if we'd had 'spaghetti bollocknaked' (this is what my Dad referred to it as, I have no idea why but I do know that I got in trouble for asking for it once at school dinners) the night before.  This recipe is now in a cookbook that is winging its way around America (so is my recipe for Marmalade Mince!).


It's basically day old cooked spaghetti with peppers, onions, bacon, mushrooms and eggs 'mish-mashed' together in a wok/frying pan.  It tastes amazing.  I don't make this with leftovers, I actually go out and specifically buy the ingredients!  I've made it for friends in Florida (Becky & James) when I was travelling with my pal Faith and I've made it for random folk that have ended up at my house for dinner!  I make it for myself when I fancy it because I can only make it in quantities to feed 10 people so I need to really want it as I will need to eat it for about 5 days!


Most people really like it when they try it.  Except 'he who should not be named' (ex-husband) who thought it was bland and tasteless.  Bland and tasteless??  High praise indeed coming from an insipid amoeba!


Anyway, I thought I would share with you my latest culinary 'mish-mash'.  This time it's soup.  I had a shed load of veg past its sell by date and I don't like waste so...

...everything in my fridge got chucked in a pan.  Carrots, celery, ham, half an old onion, an oxo cube, a bit of ginger, a quarter of a Wispa, a bit of Mandarin Muller Light, a bit of brown sugar, a couple of twigs of basil and sage and a couple of tomatoes.


There were no crisps in this soup purely because there were none in the cupboard but I have been known...




I boiled the shit out of it, then cleaned the hob where all the water bubbled out over the side of the pan and then mashed the shit out of it...

This is the finished product...

To be fair, it does look and smell a little bit like vomit, however, it is very tasty.  I am, however,  going to be eating this soup until at least Christmas Eve!

So, with all the style and grace of a pygmy elephant, The Raw triumphs in the kitchen once more.

Mama Raw is so proud!

Mish-mash?  Too bloody right it is :-)

Counterarguments to "7 Reasons You're Still Single"

Match.com just published a helpful guide for us single girls.

I have attempted to correct or explain what I think they are really on about and you will see the Match comments on the left and my thoughts on the right in a very easy to follow columny type layout.

I’ll probably get in trouble for this, eventually, by the people at Match but my response to them will likely be:  “meh”. 

Happy reading.

“7 reasons you're still single…

If you’re in the market for finding that special someone and true love seems to constantly elude you, there are several reasons why you might not be attracting Mr Right.

From low self-esteem through to too high expectations, women in particular are experts when it comes to jeopardising potential relationships before they’ve even had a chance to get off the ground. The good news is that there is something you can do about it… “

Match.com

Match	Raw
1. You’re Not Trying	1. You Can’t Be Arsed
You may enjoy spending every evening at home in front of the telly, but if that’s the case you have no grounds for complaints about not having a boyfriend. Funnily enough, Mr Perfect isn’t hiding under your bed waiting for the right time to sweep you off your comfy slipper-clad feet. If you want to find him, you’re going to have to put yourself out there. Yes, that means getting up off the sofa and socialising. The occasional night in watching the box is fine, just as long as you’re making the most of your social network and mingling as much as possible the rest of the time.	Stay in and watch the telly as much as you like.  You’ll have to go out eventually to buy food.  Brush your hair (or hide it under a hat if you haven’t washed it for 3 days), put on some lippy and then go out and rummage around in Lidl.  If you see a nice bloke great, if not, just go home, put your big slipper back on and watch Coronation Street re-runs. If a bloke really wants you, he will take up door to door collecting for Christian Aid/Lifeboat Charities and start chapping on doors - he WILL find you.  You will probably have to put money in the envelope though, so always have some spare change by your front door, just in case.
Match	Raw
2. You’re Too Fussy	2. So, We’ve to Date A Mong Then?
Happily married author of romantic fiction Jenny Colgan has some expert insight for those of you with a long and detailed checklist against which every potential lover must be measured. “Great long-term relationships aren't made from interests in common, political allegiance, shared belief systems or hobbies. They're made from people being thoughtful about one another. Emptying the dishwasher. Listening to their day. Saying please and thank you. Treating them as you would anyone you really liked and admired. It's easier to say 'I'd walk over broken glass for you' than it is to take the bins out every night.” So ditch the checklist and start dating with an open-mind.	First of all, don’t take advice from a smug married! Finding the right man has bugger all to do with emptying a dishwasher.  Most blokes don’t know what a dishwasher looks like, never mind how to work one.  You should have something in common and you should definitely not think he is a mong.  If you think he is a mong that you have settled for, you are screwed.  So, write that list, make your tick sheet and get crossing those blokes off.  Fuck putting the bins out (cos they won’t know which colour to put out on the right day anyway) – instead, check that he’s not scared to buy tampons and make sure he won’t kick your cat(s)! Fussy?  Bloody right we are!
Match	Raw
3. You’re Too Busy To Date	3. We Have Actual Jobs
If you’re serious about finding love, you have to stop hiding behind excuses like “I haven’t got time to date”. Or “I’m too busy with work”. Is your job really so time-consuming that you genuinely can’t spare the time to go out for a quick drink with someone new? It sounds more like you may be using your super-hectic lifestyle as a buffer to avoid potential intimacies. Slow down and make time for dating instead of using work as the reason not to face your fear of dating.	Our jobs can be quite time consuming, so if the ‘someone new’ looks or sounds to be even remotely knobberish it’s a ‘no’ – why should we waste our precious free time on someone who has already been crossed off the list (see note above) – unless it is purely for the banter or a bet (by one of our single sad friends). Many women are not scared of dating, they are just sick of dating twats or incompatibles and so ‘I’m busy with work” is a good line to use if you’re too scared to actually say “well, you look a bit like a beaver, so no thanks”.
Match	Raw
4. You’re A Pessimist	4. Erm, No We’re Not
It may sound harsh, but you shouldn’t be dating at all if you’re just going through the motions with a negative “I’ll never meet anyone” attitude. So you’ve had a few bad dates, and faced rejection. It’s all part of the ups and downs of dating and you need to be strong enough to brush it off and not become disillusioned. Take a more positive approach to meeting new people. After all, if you don’t believe there’s someone out there for you, you’re never going to find him.	“I’ll never meet anyone”, “boo hoo, there’s no one out there for me”, “I’ll die alone with cats” etc etc… So what, we’ve all said those things before and obviously walking around with your face tripping you ain’t going to attract much more than a mugger needing a fix but let’s not get too happy clappy about finding a man! Suddenly saying “wahoo, there’s a man there for me, out there, somewhere” won’t make him magically appear in front of you like a really good Great Soprendo trick.  Contrary to popular belief, many women who have had a ‘bad date’ find it gives them something funny to write about in their blog or chat to their pals about.  Not taking it too seriously should not be seen as being pessimistic, even if every single man on earth IS a total mong and we’ll never find one to love us…
Match	Raw
5. You’re trying too hard	5. Make Up Your Fucking Mind!
Being too invested in finding the ‘one’ is a common mistake among women. Devoting all your time and energy to your true love search may seem like a project worthy of your full attention, but you could come off looking desperate. And being overly keen to get coupled-up may also lead you to settling for less than you deserve. Keep up with other interests, see friends, pursue hobbies and get involved with things because you genuinely get something out of them not just because you think they’re the path to finding true love.	Holy crap, in one comment we’re not trying hard enough, in the next comment a married women tells us to be on the lookout for a man who understands dishwashers and bins and now they’re saying we SHOULDN’T try too hard and just hang out with our friends (which is a direct contradiction to their point 6).  Feck, no wonder most women are slightly psychotic and confused! No woman I know would take up pottery just in case she might meet a man there.  No woman I know would take a cookery class in the hopes of finding a straight man who shares her love of homemade fresh pasta. Most women I know would happily go to the pub with her mates, have a few drinks, have a laugh and not give a shit if a bloke is watching or not because it’s not always all about them you know! Which brings me neatly to point 6.
Match	Raw
6. You’re Unapproachable	6. Oh No, Boo Hoo
If you surround yourself with a gaggle of girlfriends whenever you’re out, the man of your dreams is unlikely to fight his way through the crowd to ask you out. If you’re out on the pull, it’s better to go out in a smaller group of one or two friends so it’s easier for you to get noticed and approached. Similarly if you walk around with your headphones on, or always have your nose in a book, you’re unwittingly switching off potential avenues for being approached and asked out. Leave your iPod at home for a change, step out of your personal bubble and engage with the world around you. Make yourself more approachable by smiling at strangers, making eye-contact, and maybe even striking up a conversation.	Oh please.  If a bloke really likes the look of you, he will either wade through the coven to get to you or wait til you go for a pee (when there will probably only be 2 of you) and then make his move.  If he is too scared to make a move at all then he’s probably not the man for you in the first place! Don’t stop listening to your iPod or reading books in public  ‘just in case’ it might put a bloke off talking to you.  If you see someone you quite like, THEN put your book down for a second.  However, if you’re at a really good bit, I’d advise you just crack on and finish the chapter.  If he’s that bothered he’ll throw half a sandwich at you to get your attention, or maybe just walk past and say hello…who knows?
Match	Raw
7. You’re Hung Up On Your Ex	7. I Wish I HAD Hung Up My Ex
If you find yourself talking a lot about your previous relationship when you’re out on a date, it means you’re probably not ready to be dating yet. Ex-talk is never attractive to a potential partner and negative talk about former loves may end up showing you in a less than flattering light. Make yourself a rule never to bring up the subject of former partners and stick to it. Even if you’re asked about it, there’s always a way to brush the ex-talk aside.	I must disagree.  Sometimes talking about your ex on a date can be attractive AND funny.  However, if talking about your ex causes you to break out into hives, fall to the floor pounding your fists screaming ‘you’re not him, you’ll never be him, oh god what am I doing here with you?” then clearly you are not ready to date. There is never an easy way to brush ex talk aside so it’s always better to just say “you know what, he was a complete twat and he is lucky he still has both his bollocks, but you seem nice”.  This does 2 things a) gets the ex chat out of the way and b) let’s your date know that you are not a pushover. 2 birds, 1 stone.

Conclusion:

Dating is a little bit like the Crystal Maze – you all want to have a shot in each of the rooms trying to work out the puzzles but by the time you get to the Crystal Dome, the novelty has worn off and you’re not sure you can be arsed jumping up and down for 10 minutes to get enough little bits of paper to swap for a prize.

Men, if you like the look of a woman, go and speak to her. 

Women, if you like the look of a bloke, go and speak to him.

What’s the worst that can happen? – they say ‘thanks but no’ or giggle at your efforts – SO, it’s not going to kill you!  Phone your pal, laugh about it, cry about it, forget about it and move on to the next puzzle room.

 The whole Match.com article is here, if you can be arsed...

Marmalade Mince - You Know You Wanna Try It...

Right, after many millions of emails (okay, 3) asking for the recipe for my lovely marmalade mince, I thought I would write it down so that my many readers can try it for themselves and be converted.  You will NEVER eat plain mince EVER again.


MINCE
1. Get a pan


2. Rinse it under the tap cos it's probably been sitting in the washing up pile for a day or more


3. Stick it on the hob and turn the firey/hot bit on

4. Put some onions into it (frozen are best for quickness and pure lazy bastardness) and swish them about with a wooden spoon (be careful where you put the wooden spoon down when you are not using it to swish as it can very quickly catch on fire)


5. Chuck the already unfrozen mince in the pan (you can use frozen mince too but you'll have to stand over it and stab the shit out of it with a blunt knife until it melts enough to cook)


Whilst you are waiting for the mince to brown (which is quicker if you whack up the heat to high), make your 'sauce':


SAUCE
1. Get a jug


2. Repeat step 2, above

3. Put a few teaspoons of Bisto (original) in the jug - a few tablespoons will do if, like most of the world, all your teaspoons have gone missing


4. Put a dollop of marmalade into the Bisto granules (sorry about the pic, dunno what the green strips are!)
5. Pour boiling water on the Bisto (forgot to mention you should have boiled a kettle...I'll wait for you to catch up)


tum tee tum....



MINCE...continued

6. Once the mince is brown (assuming it was pinky/red when it went in the pan) chuck in the aforementioned ready made jug full of marmalade Bisto

7. Give it a bit of a swish

8. Lob in a few spuds, to save rinsing out another pan

9. Swish it about when you remember

10. Cut up the spuds whilst they are in the pan (this is much easier than cutting them up when they are raw)

11. When you are hungry, eat it

TA DA...Suck it Delia Smith!

You can also freeze this into compartmentalised Tupperware containers because, unless you are a fat mong, you won't manage to eat it all in a oner!

Holy Bollocks A Tarot Reading Was Actually Right...

Seriously - this is bang on right now!  Oooft!

A run of bad luck here, perhaps already evident or certainly signs that things are not going your way. The responsibility of important decisions weigh heavy with you where there are choices to make. Trust your intuition and even if you have to make the painful decision to give up something in order to move on, then have the courage to do it. Trust that The Wheel of Fortune constantly turns and whilst it may be against you at the moment it will in time turn and bring you good fortune. 

Brave heart! Your courageous spirit is unstoppable at the moment. Be patient and compassionate, self-disciplined and strong and you will reap great rewards for your courage. 

You are afraid your world is falling apart, you're experiencing sudden changes and disruption and you don't quite know what to do. Perhaps subconsciously you've wanted a solution to an issue but didn't quite expect things to have turned out as they have. Use this change as an opportunity for a new beginning.

Is there any more wine left...? 

Failing And Surviving

Failure is where life actually happens, right?

Failure shapes your character and moulds you, right?

Failure helps you learn, right?

Think about it?

How much do you learn when everything is going swimmingly?

If you're like most people, when you're successful and everything is ticking along, you hardly spend any time looking for why it's working! 

We human beings have a ridiculously mental relationship to failure and actors/singers/producers/creative types have an even mentaler(!) relationship to it. 

But here's the thing - the people who are most successful in the world are also the ones who have had failure in their lives.

Why?

Because they don't let failure stop them.  They choose to use failure as a learning tool.

So the next time you fail, have a beer, celebrate and look inside the failure and see how you can turn it into a success.  

The only time I even consider myself having failed is when I didn't try.  

I can't even tell you how much I'm failing and, it's big time, yet still I'm smiling and thinking of what to do with it and how to use it as a positive experience!  Am I crying every day?  Nope! Am I trying to find a way out of it?  Yep!   I'm doing something positive with it! 

Whether you succeed or fail is not the question we should be asking!  It should be - did you do your best?  Did you try?

Right then!  Your best is all you can be.

Your best is all anyone can ask of you.   

Your best is all you can give.  

As long as you have done your best, be happy.  

If you haven't done your best, kick yourself up the arse and ask, why?    

Then fix it for next time :-)

So, don't be afraid to fail. It could very well be the best thing to ever happen to you.   We're all human after all.  And if you aren't failing at something, then you're not out there trying!


Your best is the best you can be.   No one can ask for more.  Fact.

Some interesting facts about failure:

• Abraham Lincoln ran for office upwards of 15 times and was defeated every single time until he ran for President in 1861.   

• Thomas Edison's teachers said he was too stupid to learn anything. 

• Albert Einstein didn't speak until he was 4 years old and didn't read until he was 7. He was also expelled form Zurich Polytechnic School. 

• Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor for lack of ideas. He was also turned down by 70 banks to build  Disneyland because they thought the idea would never work. 

• Sylvester Stallone was turned down by over 200 agents when he wrote Rocky and wanted to star in it. Someone offered to produce it if he DIDN'T star in it. We all know the ending of that failure! 

• The guy who made the glue on the back of Post IT notes was actually trying to make a glue that would NEVER COME OFF?! 

Dating Email That Made Me Cry Cos He Was Actually Very Pretty...

"Hello their when you meet someone for the first time you say hello or hi.* 

Its a very normal thing to do you know,anyway dont think youl find alot of smart folk 
on here to be honest. 

Fancy a bit of verbal ping pong drop me a line Cya. lol"

*(my blog states this is a dull opening but only when unaccompanied by decent chat).

Right.  Don't get me started on the lack of apostrophes, lack of spacing, incorrect use of 'their' and the spelling - AND THE FACT THAT HIS ENTIRE ACTUAL PROFILE IS IN CAPS LOCK (and has zero punctuation so I know his email is neither funny nor ironic).


A life for me and 4,000 cats is a sure thing!


Anyone thinking of giving me the - "och it's a few wee typos, chill oot" chat, let me remind you that my profile clearly states the things that piss me off.  If you can't be bothered to check your first email then cya (I was actually a bit sick typing that text speak)!  Emails after that can be forgiven...the first one being full of shit just shows of a lack of thought which does not bode well.  I need to know I am with an equal not a fucking twat.


That's all.


PS - he did not receive a reply despite being a very beautiful man!

New Dating Site Email...Part 2 - Different Bloke, Same Night...

wow what a profile I am trying to work out if you are serious or just looking for new material for your show. You have eloquently said what a lot of really think, there is so much bullsh*ton these dating sites, a bit of honesty , good for you. So have may guys risen to the challenge and responded?? Well I'm not religious, or a weirdo (debatable) and I can punctuate. I even got an A for my english literature O level much to the surprise of Mrs Pinkerton my teacher as she thought I was a waste of space, I sure showed her! I also agree with you about txt spk it does my head in too LOL !!!!!! Uuuuuurgh I am a GP during daytime hours so suffer fools on a daily basis but would rather not have to. Consequently I am really good at faking being interested when I am not (a very useful life skill) I like to think I am laid back but am probably passive aggressive and a secret control freak I think farts are absolutely hilarious and never tire of the pull my finger gag I would rather run than walk and have far too many sports i like to dabble in I love being active but secretly would just like to lie down a bit more often than I do I have never managed to leave the glam rock era behind and love head banging and singing out of tune in the car Bouncy castles are boring unless they are the adult kind and have a giant inflatable ***k in the middle of them (they do exist) I have a great memory for useless rubbish but forget anything important I love "the arts" but can't profess to knowing anything about it. Its a bit like wine I know what i like when i drink it I didn't come to you show sorry. Anyway you are either full of it or really interesting so i hope you answer this though the website tells me less on 1 in 3 messages get an answer !!! I get the feeling it would be great to meet you even though you will probably just use it to gather material for your show. What is the saying "support the arts buy an actor lunch" .....if you're lucky

My reply:


Hahahahaha funny email!  Although I'm about as fit as a Yum Yum right now!


The whole mountain biking, quad biking, canoeing, mountain biking thing makes me want to be sick, but I could learn...in a century or so...to deal with it... Happy smiley face.


Anyway, you're a GP so you must be a bit intelligent and normal (unless you're a Harold Shipman descendant - in which case I will judge you severely.)


Anyway.  You offered buying lunch, so I'm in.  Call me cheap...Happy smiley face, again...

New Dating Site Email...

OK, so I will give this a go to prove that there are nice normal guys who can spell.

This is the best profile I have ever read, honestly, fantastic. I intend to steal most of it for my own.

I only came online to delete my profile as I too, am sick of the "hi, how are you?" emails.

Some facts about me.

I learned to drive, age 8, in West Africa.
I have eaten fish beside the Sea of Galilee.
I was part of a Ferrari race team pit crew.
I make great Tacos.
I swam with wild Dolphins off the coast of Key West.
I have driven a Delorean at 88 mph (one for the geeks)
I prefer hotels to camping.
I taught myself to play the guitar in 6 months then performed on stage.
I have driven across America, twice.
I have just read the funniest profile.

I couldn't help noticing that you have no pets but still enjoy taking your cat and dog to shows. Are you just kidnapping random animals to feed a rosette fetish?

Anyway, hope this gave you a laugh if nothing else, maybe speak to you again.


My response:


Okay, the Dad jokes about the aromatic duck = :-(  


The chat about swinging the animal at the RSPCA = :-) 


Hello!


You got a reply - you must've used correct grammar and punctuation and must not be mental (I have mentalometer) - at least on the face of it!


Anyway hello, how are you, what's your favourite colour and all the usual shite :-)



***


Please note, this guy mentioned the swinging cat thing and duck thing in his 'actual' profile, which I read before replying!  - I'm not actually mental! 


Happy smiley face.

List Of Things You Can't Do With A Bad Back

• have a shower
• have a bath
• do anything other than have a rub down with a wet wipe which is, actually, VERY difficult and painful
• wash your hair
• put makeup on properly - one false move with the mascara wand and your left side collapses
• wipe your bum
• wipe your front bum
• put on pants
• take off pants
• put on any sort of clothing
• move your head to one side or the other
• lift a mug of coffee
• lift a glass of wine
• lift a kettle full of water
• walk down steps
• walk on a straight path like you haven't shit your pants
• talk and breathe and the same time
• laugh
• cough
• sneeze
• poo
• sleep
• move to one side to lift your bum cheek to fart
• turn over in bed without using the bedframe as a special 'lifting' contraption
• whip your hair back and forth
• have an asthma attack
• sudden hand movements
• talking about 'exes' in a exuberant manner

Bonuses section:

• I can defrost a bit of chicken and a bag of peas in 5 minutes (cos I'm so hot, on my back, that is...no wait...oh fuck it, you know what I mean)
• personal shoppers (pals)
• washing hanger uppers (pals)
• bin-bag putter outers (pals)

That's about it really!

My back is fucking sore...end of!

In Case I Die

Right, I've not written a blog in ages, mainly cos I've had my head firmly rammed up my own arse, living like a recluse for the last 4 weeks, ever since I found out what I found out - but, that's for another blog...probably after the one woman show...


Anyway, head up arse, etc etc...has meant that a few things have fallen by the wayside and I am now scrabbling to get back on track.  I've more ideas in one of my farts than many people will have in a liftetime but trying to bring them all to life is fucking hard work.


Anyway, enough of the crying.


Why this blog?  Well, I am going on holiday with my mum (no I'm not a saddo, fuck off) and my wee sister (NO, I am NOT a saddo) and my wee sisters boyfriend (yes, I'm single but who gives a fuck, I'll sit with my mum on the tea cup waltzer!).  


That holiday is a trip to Kenya.  We are very excited.  


I do, however, feel I should mention the inherent dangers that such a trip entails.


1) Yellow Fever - without the immunisation injection we could die from it.  I got the injection and felt like I was going to die from it, so that's done.


2) Rabies - we are not to lick any dogs, cats or monkeys.  This rule is a pisser as it was top of my list of things to do.


3) HIV/Aids - point blank, we are not to shag any Africans without condoms.  A 3 pack has been put in my case, just in case someone with cataracts tells me I'm beautiful.


4) Malaria - we are not to be, under ANY circumstance, bitten by a mosquito.  Mosquitoes are flying things that have 365 day, 24/7 access to everywhere that is outside AND inside so staying away from them should be relatively easy. We are to sleep under a mosquito net at all times. We are to spray ourselves with stinking, honking repellent spray at all times.  I'm thinking it would be easier to just make the mosquito extinct...


5) Water - DO NOT DRINK THE WATER.  However, I could do with losing a few pounds so I think I might cheerfully ignore this advice and pack some Pampers Extra Strength and shit away to my hearts content.


6) Don't wear black or blue as it attracts Teste flies and they bite you so hard that you think your face might fall off - I've packed brown trousers and a few shit coloured t-shirts.


7) Wear a hat as your head might catch fire in the hot desert heat.


8) When visiting the orphanage, takes lots of pens and pencils for the kids (thanks to the Pound Shop for the supplies).


9) Don't annoy the lions or the hippos as we cannot guarantee your safety - what annoys a lion or a hippo?  We have yet to be told.  Probably pointing at the fuckers and taking photos sends them into a rage...


So, the point of this blog?  


Simple - if I die, my mate Sheena is to get my telly and my mum (assuming she can run faster than me and survives), is to do what she likes with the rest.  I purposely haven't mentioned my sister.  This is purely because, if I have been killed by some sort of beast, my sister will stay behind to make sure the animal manages to get the horrible human taste out of its mouth and will probably then build it a house and hand feed it so, for that reason alone, she gets fuck all of my stuff (except for my jar of Haribo, she can have that).


I'll see you all on the other side when I am a bronzed goddess with lion teeth marks in my thigh and a Nairobian child in my withered womb...


The Raw, A Broad...that has to be a documentary at some point.