Serial Killing with a Spatula, Insurance Fraud and a Stolen Smart Car

Another weird dream from The Raw's wee brain...

I was taking my mates to the pub in Bridget (my wee Smart car).  I was ringing Anitas doorbell and looked back to see some random bloke climbing into the drivers footwell of the car.  I went over to Bridget and asked what the hell he was doing.  Then I realised it was the Spatula Killer who had been on the news.  He was threatening to kill me.  With a spatula?  I just laughed at him and told him that even I would make a better serial killer than him and that if he didn't get out of Bridget, I'd rip his head off.  I then phoned the police and they caught him.

We drove to the pub (with shed loads in the tiny boot space of Bridget cos Anita was staying at mine that night, for an unknown reason).  I spent ages outside the pub trying to organise all the stuff in the back of the car and working out what to take into the pub with me.  For some reason, there were duvets, pillows, microwaves, laptops and all sorts of shite in the boot.  Why?  I have no idea!

I finally got myself organised and made it into the pub.  I was drinking magic beer that allows you to drive.  We finally got back outside and Bridget was gone.  In her place was a battered old Golf Polo.  My car keys had been switched and now worked with the Polo.  I was panicking cos my laptop and everything was in the car.  I also had no house keys!

At a table outside the pub was a family.  The man of the family was in a wheelchair and he told me to tell the police my car had been stolen but not to mention the replacement Polo.  He said that way, I'd get money for my car and then be able to sell the Polo to buy a brand new car.  I was not happy with this.  All I wanted was Bridget and my laptop back. (this dream is the reason I did a major back up last week!).

The man in the wheelchair then stood up and told me that he was committing insurance fraud and that he wasn't really crippled but he had to make out he was in case anyone was watching him!

I drove Anita home in the Polo, but one of the doors fell off on the motorway and then we were chased by a gang of Hell's Angels.  They stopped us and were about to batter us but then took pity on us so we went to a party with them.

The End!

Dumb Waiters, CHiPs and Billy Ray Cyrus

Latest dream:

I found out that one of my best mates, Claire, had breezed in and bought the Odeon (our New Victoria project) from under us.  She had negotiated them down from £3million to £6,000 for the building.

She was turning it into a gothic picture house and I turned up to shout at her for not consulting me at all about the theatre aspects.  She ran away from me and hid in a dumb waiter.

Billy Ray Cyrus was warming up on stage and I decided to put my hair in a bun using drinking straws to hold it together.

I called my 2 other directors to let them know that we had lost the building and we all started crying on the phone.

That bloke from CHiPs (Erik Estrada) was one of the joiners working in the building and he came over to console me and, of course, I snogged him.  I then found out that my mate Kirsten was dating his partner (the blonde one) and we decided to double date and they took us out on their motorbikes!

Dishwashers, Dog Bowls and Toilets in Your Living Room

Yes, another mental dream in the world of Raw:

I was in a bar that had beds in it and on one of the beds was Nicolas Cage wearing roller boots (not blades).  I was told to be wary of a new serial killer that was doing the rounds and I assumed it was Cage cos he looked so odd.

It was in fact his normal looking pal.  He sucks blood out of people through their ears and when they start to cry blood, he leaves them alone.

I was walking home and he attacked me.  I felt the blood leaving my body and felt the blood tears in my eyes, but, being me, I survived to tell the tale.  Being a Fifer, I made my way straight to the pub to recover.

I was in a bit of a mood when I arrived in the pub (obviously) and couldn't be arsed with all the Irish lads trying to chat me up so I went home with my new friend.

Their house was very odd.  They had a love swing in the living room (not a rude one, one like Americans have on their porches) and a toilet in the middle of the room.

They kept plying everyone with drink but I just nursed mine as I was a bit dubious about the whole situation.  Then disaster struck.  I really needed a poo.

They all left the living room so I could 'do the business' but reminded me that the toilet didn't work and I'd have to use the dog bowl next to it instead.   I was also to cover it with cat litter when I was finished.

I did the job, with many people coming in and out of the room, and then their youngest was tasked with helping me 'get rid of it'.  We went upstairs to THE TOILET and, after she had stuck her hands in it, she flushed it down the loo.  I couldn't understand why they made people use the loo in the living room when they had a toilet upstairs but the kid just said it was 'cos it's funny'!

We headed back downstairs and what did she do with the dog bowl? Yep, she put it in the dishwasher.  At this point I almost vommed as I remembered the plate of food I'd eaten in the house not 2 hours before...

I made my excuses and left.  Got on a train and, lo and behold, the family were magically on the train too!  I tried to tell my 'crapping in a dog bowl' story to my mates on the train but kept having to change the subject when one of 'the family' walked past.

All in all, a very weird dream...