Well, my divorce should be final within a few weeks and it has made me look at things through different eyes.
2009 has been, possibly, the toughest of my life so far aside from when I was attacked at 17 and lost my dad at 19.
Trying to keep everything together professionally whilst my personal life was ripped apart by solicitors, anonymous calls, illegal visits to my ex-employers and an overwhelming desire to run away and hide until it was over, was sometimes too hard to bear. But I didn't run, I stayed and with support from my mum, sis and amazing pals Claire, Anita, Sheen and Erika, I am seeing it through to the bitter end with my head held high. Some amazing friends have come back into my life over the last few months and I've made some fab new ones, I am a very lucky woman.
Am I sad I'm getting divorced? Yes. The life I thought I was going to live is gone. Am I glad it happened now? Yes. We would have ended up in this situation but later on in life and possibly with children. Should we have ever been married in the first place? Tough question. I should have listened to myself. I should have realised that many of the issues we/he had would keep coming back to haunt us and we would keep ending up in a vicious cycle of a few good months followed by a spate of bad months. Despite this, I meant what I said when I stood in that church in front of friends and family. I should have seen it, but I thought love would conquer all. How silly! Love doesn't conquer all. Tolerance, patience, compromise and the ability to see an imperfect person perfectly is what conquers all. Sadly, I married a boy, not a man. A boy with problems, many stemming from his childhood, that I was not equipped to deal with - they, of course, have been made out to be my fault.
He can hide them as much as he likes, but behaviour problems and insecurities as deep rooted as his cannot be hidden forever. I have seen the things he has written and I know I was not the cause - his own writings prove it.
Even though he now appears to be with someone who shares his belief system, someone who may read scripture with him in the evenings and someone who may be happy to mirror the relationship his parents have, I feel sorry for her. She will have a lot of skeletons to deal with and I know she is not as strong as me. I am strong. I had to face her, and him, every week when I was teaching at the same primary school. It was hard knowing that they would likely get together as soon as it was deemed 'appropriate'. It was hard to keep doing my job there knowing this, but I did, regardless of the shit that rained down on me from his parents and solicitors; I owed the kids in my drama class that much. I was strong.
But maybe I was weak. I stayed with him through accusations that I was trying to steal his money. I stayed when I found out he'd told his parents I was trying to poison him. I stayed when his parents accused me of gold-digging. I stayed when he had a breakdown over his addictions and helped him out the other side. I stayed after he cheated on me more than once (and blamed me for it). I stayed when he made me cry more than any man should ever make a woman cry. I stayed because I loved him. Maybe I was weak.
Am I perfect? Of course not. My mum and best mates will tell you that! Did I contribute to any of this? I don't believe so. His behaviour was cemented before he met me. Yes I reacted to many of our situations in, maybe not the best way - silent treatment instead of thrashing it out, but it got to the point where you have nothing to say as you have already said it and it makes no difference.
Am I different to him? Yes and that was the attraction for us both. He is sensitive and quite laid back, I'm a gobby control freak who likes things done NOW. In the end, his sensitivity drove me to the point where I could cheerfully smash his face in and want to tell him to stop crying and just get on with it like a proper grown up man. My 'get up and go' attitude had him grinding his teeth in his sleep and begging for things to slow down.
Differences? Yes. But have I deserved the year I've had because he decided the differences were too much for the long haul...? Hell no. He should have 'grown a pair' long before we walked down that aisle.
He will self destruct someday soon and I sincerely hope his family are prepared for the fall out. At the moment he is the golden boy and I am the wicked witch.
Let's just wait and see who is still standing when the truth eventually comes out in the wash.
I am strong.
2009 has been, possibly, the toughest of my life so far aside from when I was attacked at 17 and lost my dad at 19.
Trying to keep everything together professionally whilst my personal life was ripped apart by solicitors, anonymous calls, illegal visits to my ex-employers and an overwhelming desire to run away and hide until it was over, was sometimes too hard to bear. But I didn't run, I stayed and with support from my mum, sis and amazing pals Claire, Anita, Sheen and Erika, I am seeing it through to the bitter end with my head held high. Some amazing friends have come back into my life over the last few months and I've made some fab new ones, I am a very lucky woman.
Am I sad I'm getting divorced? Yes. The life I thought I was going to live is gone. Am I glad it happened now? Yes. We would have ended up in this situation but later on in life and possibly with children. Should we have ever been married in the first place? Tough question. I should have listened to myself. I should have realised that many of the issues we/he had would keep coming back to haunt us and we would keep ending up in a vicious cycle of a few good months followed by a spate of bad months. Despite this, I meant what I said when I stood in that church in front of friends and family. I should have seen it, but I thought love would conquer all. How silly! Love doesn't conquer all. Tolerance, patience, compromise and the ability to see an imperfect person perfectly is what conquers all. Sadly, I married a boy, not a man. A boy with problems, many stemming from his childhood, that I was not equipped to deal with - they, of course, have been made out to be my fault.
He can hide them as much as he likes, but behaviour problems and insecurities as deep rooted as his cannot be hidden forever. I have seen the things he has written and I know I was not the cause - his own writings prove it.
Even though he now appears to be with someone who shares his belief system, someone who may read scripture with him in the evenings and someone who may be happy to mirror the relationship his parents have, I feel sorry for her. She will have a lot of skeletons to deal with and I know she is not as strong as me. I am strong. I had to face her, and him, every week when I was teaching at the same primary school. It was hard knowing that they would likely get together as soon as it was deemed 'appropriate'. It was hard to keep doing my job there knowing this, but I did, regardless of the shit that rained down on me from his parents and solicitors; I owed the kids in my drama class that much. I was strong.
But maybe I was weak. I stayed with him through accusations that I was trying to steal his money. I stayed when I found out he'd told his parents I was trying to poison him. I stayed when his parents accused me of gold-digging. I stayed when he had a breakdown over his addictions and helped him out the other side. I stayed after he cheated on me more than once (and blamed me for it). I stayed when he made me cry more than any man should ever make a woman cry. I stayed because I loved him. Maybe I was weak.
Am I perfect? Of course not. My mum and best mates will tell you that! Did I contribute to any of this? I don't believe so. His behaviour was cemented before he met me. Yes I reacted to many of our situations in, maybe not the best way - silent treatment instead of thrashing it out, but it got to the point where you have nothing to say as you have already said it and it makes no difference.
Am I different to him? Yes and that was the attraction for us both. He is sensitive and quite laid back, I'm a gobby control freak who likes things done NOW. In the end, his sensitivity drove me to the point where I could cheerfully smash his face in and want to tell him to stop crying and just get on with it like a proper grown up man. My 'get up and go' attitude had him grinding his teeth in his sleep and begging for things to slow down.
Differences? Yes. But have I deserved the year I've had because he decided the differences were too much for the long haul...? Hell no. He should have 'grown a pair' long before we walked down that aisle.
He will self destruct someday soon and I sincerely hope his family are prepared for the fall out. At the moment he is the golden boy and I am the wicked witch.
Let's just wait and see who is still standing when the truth eventually comes out in the wash.
I am strong.
