I run my own business, am a director of another, I co-run a branch of a trade union and I'm a full time forensics and psychology student.
I am together, I am strong and I am a force to be reckoned with
But...
....If I don't have to leave my flat, I'm happy.
If I have to leave the flat, a myriad of mathematical equations come into play along with a billion other questions. Things I don't have to consider if I don't have to leave the flat:
- is 3 days too long to wear one pair of pants (knickers for my US pals)?
- is a 'rub down with an Andrex wet wipe' considered a bath?
- I am a white girl but I haven't washed my hair in so long I look like a Rasta without the tan - Tres Semme won't cut the mustard, I have actual dreadlocks.
- my duvet smells sweet because I think the bed bugs have suggested that they should give off different pheromones
- my pee smells of stale coffee
- my IBS makes me look like I'm 6 months pregnant
- my medication makes me look like my face shape has been inherited from the moon
- I pretend a drama has happened instead of just saying 'I'm not up to it today'
- I want to cry a lot of the time but I hold it in cos 'I'm the strong one'
- I get everything done and you'd never know I was having a bad day
- I've produced 8 films and folks are none the wiser as to my inner thoughts cos...
...I'm a doer.
- I know shit has to be done so I just get on and do it
- I sometimes wonder what it would be like to just stop breathing
- but then I panic cos I don't like enclosed spaces.
These are just some of the things that go through your head when you're in a depressed state.
Sometimes I just think this:
- what?
Nothing to add just, what?
There is no feeling or excitement or enthusiasm.
My depression was kicked off by my hideous divorce and, due to drama right up until this year in dealing with the fall out from it, my brain has not had a break.
I've been in fight or flight mode since 2009 and some people think I'm actually manic depressive (bi-polar) cos I'm so high energy most of the time. I'm not. I'm really not. I just feel this need to get shit done.
I am amazed that I have made it through 3 years of Uni. 1 year at Edinburgh and 2 years at Abertay (Dundee) on a fairly hard core forensics and psychology based degree.
I'm writing this now a) cos if it helps just one person it's worked and b) when I finally make my name, they can't pretend this is a new fangled thing that 'I'm afflicted with' to fill tabloid space - cos those PR people are fuckers and I've got their measure already so they can fuck off before they even start.
Happy smiley twatarsing face.
http://www.samh.org.uk/
http://www.depressionalliance.org/
http://www.actionondepression.org/
