Plenty of Pish: Life With the Raw: ROUND ONE: Is Facebook the new 'Plenty of Fish'? Marriage for a visa please Madam Helen...

PM conversation I currently have going on, on Facebook (PM). I was going to block him but it's too amusing...I might try and sell him a paragraph return.

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Him

Hay,,, Respected Mam Helen Raw, You look so nice and so stunning on your all pictures its really pleasure for me if you will chat to me dear mam, because i want and interested to chat with different and nice persons around the world..! Respected Mam, I'm usman ali age just 25, lived in Islamabad the capital of Pakistan i am so loving caring honest straight forward person nice human being and also very good singer in my country national language. Thanks!

Not interested, but thank you.

Him

Okay respected mam no problem. But if you think that i was nice person so i want to discuss something to you about my self because dear mam not have so much time for my own life & no one try to understand me if i tell you so can you understand me dear mam???

Still not interested.

Him

Respected Dear Mam Helen Raw, its my request to you please take it seriously for me dear mam i tell you everything about my self...!!! My name is ***** age just 25 unmarried and lived in Islamabad the capital of Pakistan my life in so much trouble and lots of difficulties on here... i am also very good singer in our country national language & so much talented i am very loving caring, honest & straight forward person & also I'm very nice human-being. My country so much in crises & problems. The actual problem on here that energy crises so huge electricity shortfall problem and so much corruption in every field that's why our country currency & economy so much down day by day and everything so much expensive on here no work no jobs on here almost 7 years job and working experience in different organizations and now i am working in Pepsi cola distribution on very less salary package...! Dear Mam, I just want working visa or permanent visa of your country & job or any kind of work. because i don't want to lived here more because my country economy & currency so much down day by day 1 U.S dollar you can buy on here in 125 rupees. the Rupees its my country currency now you should understand easily that why I'm saying to you dear mam... The survival of human life its impossible on here everything so much expensive on here like good pure food living issues etc... thats why i want to left my country for permanently i only can manage the expenses of passport, medical & for ticket. I hope you will understand my problems my difficulties and do something for me if you will help me than i will try to stable my life i always thankful to you and never forget you and your kindness. I am also very good singer in our country national language Urdu & so much talented. Couple of tries on t.v channels for singing purpose but so much corruption in every field that's why no future for young generation on here without reference everything impossible on here that's why i want to left this country for permanently. I will send you my own recorded songs in my voice. If you support me than i can do something for my self and for my family mom, dad & for little sister and also will do something for you. dear mam you can save my life. Respected Dear Mam Helen Raw, I can't marry with anyone if i lived here more years i will die suddenly please do something for my visa & job or any kind of work i am always thankful to you & for your kindness and i will not never forget you and your kindness.... please dear mam. I hope you will understand my problems & my difficulties please dear mam i am so tense and so sad about my life, future & for my family…!

Bye.

Him

okay mam as you wish

its my request to you dear mam i always thankful to you and for your kindness please dear mam helen...

Not interested. GOODBYE.

Him

okay mam as you wish its my request to you dear mam i always thankful to you and for your kindness please dear mam helen… …

Not interested. GOODBYE - BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE

Him

if i lived here more years i will die suddenly... i was very hopeful that you will understand me and feel my pain of me,,, Please mam your have so many links with different kind of nice persons you can made my life.

ok sorry mam

You sound like a mental.

Him

i am not mental... dear mam i was so tense about my future thats the reason.

Stop PM'ing me.

Him

okay mam i am not trying to force you mam because its your life your decision...!

You've been reported for spamming.

Him

Respected Mam Helen Raw what ever you told me i don't mind... but i always give you so much respect because dear mam i am not the other fucking guys...!!!

Him

Respected Dear Mam Helen Raw, I want to dedicate the my own recorded songs to you in my voice I'm also a very good singer in Urdu language its our country national language & so much talented... please listen my own recorded songs on mp3 audio format in my voice & read the following attachment its the lyrics in English of my songs. Its specially for you Dear Mam Helen Raw... because you are really respectable for me i hope you will like these songs in my voice. Thanks!

lyrics of my songs in english.docx

baharon phool barsao.mp3

likhe jo khat tujhe.mp3.mp3

So Baar Janam Lein Gay.mp3.mp3

If this is my mate Paul Harper Swan playing silly buggers, he'll be getting my foot up his arse.

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I shall add more comments as they come in...

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UPDATES:

Him

Mam i can't understand what are you saying to me can you please explaine me about your previous message?

I am questioning your existence and am presuming you are the creation of a friend of mine who likes winding people up. Also, I'm divorced so not allowed to remarry.

Him

Respected mam i don't know any of your friend please believe me i was young boy just 25. Living in pakistan i just search your name in search option because you are in showbiz thats why i send you messages!

What do you think I can do for you? Do you need money?

Him

No respected mam i don't want money. i just want visa and work on your side please trust me i am not the other guys who cheats the other.

Cheats the other what?

Him

I mean that the other guys cheat the others but i am not the other guys i tell you before i am so honest person and very nice human being...!

The other guys cheat the other whats? I'm confused. Do you have lots of money?

Him

Respected Mam why you are confusing your self i am just introducing my self and clear the wrong impression about my self. Dear mam helen, i am working in pepsi cola distribution in very less salary package but i can manage the expense of passport medical and for plane ticket expense. I just want visa and work in your side please mam do something for me.

Visas are expensive though so I would need you to wire me some money to be able to cover the cost.

Him

Mam its impossible for me to give you money for my visa don't have money i tell you before all situation about me and my country please mam i will give you back your all money when i settled on your side its my promise to you dear mam. Your have so many links and you can do everything for me dear mam please!

Ah okay. Do you know any Nigerian investors I could borrow money from?

Him

No dear mam but your have so many links with different kind of celebrities and nice persons!

I'm not sure what you expect me to do. Can you give me a list of what you would like?

Him

Dear mam helen you can made my life.

***THIS IS HAPPENING LIVE...SAT 8 FEB 2013 (19:42)***

Him

Like for what give me example?

I don't know, you're the one asking for help and visas without any money to pay for it all...

Him

If you provide me working visa so not have any coast of it...!

If you provide me from any company…!

Okay, but how do you propose I pay for the visa? Are you suggesting swapping it for some camels? If so I'd have to seriously think about it as my flat only has space for one camel.

Him

Dear mam please talk to me clearly i can't understand what are you saying please explain?

I am speaking in English. Do you have a dictionary? Do you know what a camel is? At a push I might have space for two.

Me
Or a goat. I could probably deal with a goat or 3 more easily. Do you have any goats?

Okay, I'll stop joking. What do you need - I can't just get a visa. I need all your information and your bank details to prove to the UK immigration that you are an actual person.

I will also need photos of you so they can match them when you arrive in the UK. You should also produce a video explaining what you do and your experience as a performer. Videos are excellent ways of communicating, even to the immigration folks. I did one for the US and it was received very well.

Him

Oky i'll give you all information about my self but not have any account in any bank.

I'm not asking for bank details. We can deal with all that when you get here. A quick video would be great and something I can actually take into the immigration office to prove you exist. Since all the scams from abroad, our immigration guys need loads of evidence so a video would be perfect.

Him

I will give you my image dear mam

Can you do a quick video of introduction? This will be so helpful for the visa paperwork - it adds to your evidence you see.

Him

Don't have any video of me just a picture i will send you

Do you have a smart phone? Or are you too poor for one of them?

Him

Not have smart phone just a simple phone of nokia brand.

Nokia is fab. They have Nokia over there? Wow, that's cool.

Him

No mam nokia 3250 model phone its so old series mobile almost 7 years old still i am using this.

Wow, my iphone is about 3 years old. First world problems I guess. Okay, so, I don't have loads of money so how do we sort out your visa? We may have to get married, is that a problem?

Him

Because my financial condition not so good

Is that for phone buying or marriage?

Him

Mam how i can marriage with any one because i am not settled for financially.

Well, to be honest, it's the quickest, easiest and cheapest way to get a visa in the UK. You come over here as my 'fiance', we get married and immigration ask no questions, unless we have more than our allowed quota of goats obv. It's really the only way to do it when you don't have a lot of money.

Him

I know that no girl or woman interessted in me.

Are goats interested in you? We will have quite a few goats built up.

Him

Oky mam can you will help me? So please give me some time for passport and for medical reports.

Of course I will help you, I just need to know what to do as your suggestions, so far, have been vague and, frankly, a bit pants.

Give me a list of what I need to do. I can't just ask my government for a visa. If it was that simple, we'd have all sorts running into the country.

Him

Dear mam my country national language urdu and i can't understand english very well so can you will help me about this?

Of course, what don't you understand? The goat and camel stuff or the visa stuff?

Him

What kind of work about camel or goats?

We had a whole conversation involving camels and goats. This makes me think you might have many conversations going on at the same time and, frankly, I feel violated. You want to be with me for your visa or your don't. Which is it?

Him

Mam please wait i am going on computer please wait...

Okay.

Looking forward to talking more - I really want to help but it's not as easy as you might think it is, I'm afraid...

Ooooooo a lawyer friend just got in touch so there may be hope...

Him

okay mam... so what kind of information you have required about my self i will give you.....

Him

mam please send me friend request so than we can talk easily

Him

can we work together about south asian and western music in the future

Oh come on now, pay attention, I've already said what is needed for my country - a video from you, bank details, camel/goat transfer forms and a marriage promise.

Him

mam please send me friend request so than we can talk easily

Him

can we work together about south asian and western music in the future

Oh come on now, pay attention, I've already said what is needed for my country - a video from you, bank details, camel/goat transfer forms and a marriage promise.

Him
not have any account of me, i will marry with some nice girl or lady

I am a nice lady...why are you hesitating?

Him

are you joking with me or serious?

i am not hesitating……

Why would I be joking, you have convinced me you are a serious person.

Him

yes i am serious person if you really intressted in me and want to marry with me so i will marry you respected mam but please send me friend request…

OMG really? I never thought I would get married again. I'm so happy even though to start with I was suspicious of you. Are you religious? I really hope so as I am very religious and would hate to upset my God.

Him

but some age difference between your and my age?

So? I can teach you everything you need to know.

Him

i have been worked with production team about singing purpose almost 1 year... have you listen my songs do you like those songs or not.....?

mam can we work together about music...

I have listened to your songs and, although melodic, they are not my cup of tea. To work in the UK under a visa you really need to me more 'mass appeal'. I would suggest you record some Justin Beiber tracks or something equally popular to show that you are versatile.

Him

my speaking english skills not so good... if i get on there and will live on there than i will speak english very well

Cool. There's a lot you need to learn. What are your thoughts on the visa? Are we getting married?

Him

mam i want visa of your country because i want to stable my own life and my family life my dad, mom and for little sister... than i can financial support to my family. but my thought about married not so quickly when i settled on there can you will support me when i come on there?

Okay, we are going round in circles. Visas cost money. Do you have any money to send me to pay for the visa process?

Him

oh not have,,, so what you will suggest me

It's a bit risque but are you prepared to sell your body to me for money...? I understand if this is too much but, to be honest, it's the quickest way to deal with this type of situation, in my experience.

Him

what sell?

Selling your body. Accepting money for sex.

Him

dear mam where are you going wrong way? please help me dear mam....

I'm not going wrong, sometimes it's what you have to do if what you need is expensive.

You need a visa and neither of us can afford if so you have to think of other ways to earn your money.

I slept with 14 guys just to pay for my last showreel.

Him

mam you really confused me you know better that i will to do for my betterment... what you suggest me i will marry or etc

You really should marry me officially in order to get through immigration. I will need a video upload for that though so sort that as soon as you can my love.

I will also need a photo of you standing next to your country emblem/flag.

Him

okay mam... but how much earn the pound if i going for sex? just for knowing?

On a good day I can earn £600 per hour, on a bad day, I only earn £250 per hour.

It's what actors do to bulk up their salary. It's standard practice here.

Him

okay lets see when i come on there but first i want to marry... for your country nationality.

I genuinely have no idea what you just tried to say. Are we talking goats or camels?

Him

dear mam are you really serious for marry to me?

Him

dear mam i tell you before that i can't understand english very well please speak in easy words?

Oh good lord - you want to live and work in the UK and you are bitching about learning our language. Immigration frown on these things! Sort it out and suck it up.

Him

dear mam if you will provide me visa so than i will give you about my passport scene copy and i will give you the other requirement what do you want to me... okay mam

Do you want a visa note or not?

I've found someone who can organise it. If you don't wan't it please let me know.

Him

yes i want visa its just latter form

Latter form? What do you mean?

Him

mam yesterday why you ignoring me every time and you told me so much?

can you come on here?

He then sent me a picture:

Why are you blue? Are you an X-Man?

Him

its not so clear picture because its taken from 2 mega pixel camera thats why so bad result

hAHAHA YOU REALLY FUNNY

How long is your penis?

Him

WHAT?

You heard

Him

almost 5 inch but i will grown up if you really want for its if you provide me the samples for growing...

Is that flaccid or erect?

Him

almost 5 inch but i will grown up if you really want for its if you provide me the samples for growing...

Is that flaccid or erect?

Him

whats that mean?

Is your penis 5 inches at 'rest' or at 'excitement'

Him

i know little bit that you provide me letter form from your embassy and they mention on it that i can come on your country and give me permission for coming is that right? so than this latter i will attach with my passport and than i give to u.k embassy for visa processing on here is that right or not?

this conversation is exhausting me. Just tell me what you need!

Him

lect the information than i will inform you mam. okay...

Brilliant. Sounds good.

Him

Oh my good god!? You said you would collate the information I need…

I think we may have to part ways due to the small size of our penis.

Him

respected mam helen which type of visa you can provide me easily??? than i would collect the information about it???

To be honest, the only visa you would be able to get is one that has been bought through my 'other' contacts. If you want an illegal visa there are rules to abide by - otherwise you do it legally and pay £30,000. Let me know if you want me to continue your application.

If you can send me £5,000 I can get you a visa in 2 days.

Him

can you come on here?

I am on here, what do you mean? Do you want the marriage visa or not?

Him

yes i want marriage visa if you will really give me love and respect and its my promise to you that i will give you the same..... thanks.

Him

not have a video dear mam

Money camels, goats - it needs to be sorted

Him
i still don't understand this?

Also my rate (outwith visa expense) is £250 per hour. I have nightly rates too which are cheaper.

Him

mam please do something for my visa and give me some time for passport and for medical almost 1 month for this...!

Him

yes i want marriage visa if you will really give me love and respect and its my promise to you that i will give you the same..... thanks.

Him

respected mam helen which type of visa you can provide me easily??? than i would collect the information about it???

Him

mam please do something for my visa and give me some time for passport and for medical almost 1 month for this…!

what you need me to do?

Him

you have hide your all pictures please show me?

You said you've seen my pics...

I need a personal video from you.

I'm going to bed now, speak tomorrow

Him

how me some pictures of yours?

Erm, you said you have seen all my photos.

Him

no mam just 2, 3 pictures please

You send 2,3 pictures first.

Him

this time have not because i am not interested to take own pictures thats why

I have no idea about what you just said but I have no time to take photos.

Him

please send me dear mam because i want to marry with you and want to see your beauty.....

Send you what? I've no idea what you are asking for.

Him

my interest just in singing thats why

why you are confusing...

its our country national dress kurta, shalwaar for male persons

I just saying to you please send me your pictures!

And here he is again...

Send you what? I've no idea what you are asking for.

Him

my interest just in singing thats why

why you are confusing...

its our country national dress kurta, shalwaar for male persons

I just saying to you please send me your pictures!

***THIS IS HAPPENING LIVE...SUN 9 FEB 2013 (19:08)***

I will have to send them later as I have to go to work now.

Him

Hay mam…

Sorry. Am teaching an acting class so can't chat just now.

Him

okay mam i am waiting.......

Him

respected mam i am ready for marry but i will do any other type of work in your side job or any other type of work. you still not send me your pictures...!

Him

Respected mam helen, its my promise to you that i'll give you so much love respect in the future days if you will do marry to me & if you will give me same love and respect than so can you really want to marry with me? Respected Mam, My previous 25 years so much hard and difficult which i have been spend before so now i want to enjoy my own life with love and respect because i'm so honest and loving person.

Okay I am back home now. So, when are we getting married and can I change my mind and ask for pigs and chickens instead of goats?

Him

Whenever i will get on there i will marry but work decided when i get on there than i will decide... Mam how much your kids and where is your ex husband?

What kids? Do you mean baby goats? I don't have any human kids. My ex-husband is under the patio.

Him

Kid mean your son? And whats your real age?

I don't have a son. You know my real age because earlier you said there was a big difference in our ages.

Him

And your real age?

But tell me please?

Why is that important? You should be able to tell from my photos.

Him

Because my family member as to me about you and your age thats why mam?

What age would you like me to be?

Him

Mam you are so pretty on current age but i want to know?

What is the oldest person you would marry?

Him

I don't know mam. But i want to tell you something very honestly... That in our sociaty male persons can't marry with oldest lady because its so embarrising situation for own family mam... But i like you so much thats why i thinking... I don't tell my family about marry thats why i am so tense

Oh I see, I totally understand but you should really tell your family as they will want to attend the wedding and your mum will want to buy a hat. I can assure you, I am not the oldest lady in the world, so you're okay.

Him

Mam i'm ready but after the marry i will tell my family about our relation okay mam but your friends your relatives can will accept me as your husband?

Of course they will, they can't wait to meet you - please send a video of you talking so I can see you.

Him

Can i speak you sweetheart if you don't mind so?

We are speaking on here...Sorry maybe I'm not understanding, I'm very tired from todays class.

Him

Okay mam can you tell me that whose living with you in your house? And after the marriage where i lived with you in your or any other place? Where are you living?

I live alone in a small flat that has space for one camel, three goats and 10 chickens. We could squeeze in a pig if it stays in the bathroom.

Him

What but i was thinking that you are living in big house because you are an singer, writer, musician because you are so famous on your side so rich person. Because your are in working on different catagories thats why!

Him

But don't think wrong i will marry you because i don't want other things accept of nice human being.

Well, I am very rich, everyone here who is an actor/singer etc is very rich but we don't tell people because we need to know that people love us for who we are and not all our money. The house I live in could easily take twice as many farmyard animals as I previously stated

Him

In which city you are living now?

Scotland.

Him

Scotland is other country but you are saying me u.k?

Scotland is part of the UK.

Him

Okay have you seen hollywood movie braveheart?

Yes. It's total shit.

Him

Thats why i am asking to you about u.k and scotland whats the connection between eachother?

We are in the same country. Scotland has its own legal system but is part of the UK except for when we get annoyed with what the UK do then we do our own thing. The UK is made up of 4 small countries - England, NI, Wales and Scotland

Him

Okay mam but whats the weather condition in the hole year?

Hole or whole? The weather in my ‘hole' is fairly static as it hasn't seen much action for a while. The weather as a 'whole' for Scotland is quite cold and rainy.

Him

Oh i like that type of weather rainy and cold becaus here is almost 9 month weather so hot just 3 months for cold.

How do you have internet on your phone if your phone is old and crap?

Him

My cell phone so old

I'm rich so I have a cool phone

Him

Oky mam thats nice!

HIm

So mam how you provide me marriage visa?

Well, we are stuck as it will cost a lot of money and you don't have any money...

Him

Mam you are saying me before that you are so rich so whats the issue if you really want to marry with me so notting have impossible for you? You know everything about me!

I don't know everything about you. What's your middle name? Do you have a dog? What is your religion? £30,000 is a lot of money to spend on someone who spoke to you on the internet. This is why I'm asking for a video.

Him

Please check my profile everything mention on it about and my religion

I can't see your profile so tell me here.

Him

Don't have any pet...!

NO. I got rid of my pets to make room for our goats and camels (and maybe pigs and chickens)

Him

okay so what you want to know about me?

I want to know everything. What you like to eat, your favourite singers, your fav movies etc...

Him

okay mam now my age is 25 after the 2 days i am 26, my religion is Muslim, my faviorate singer is Celine Dion, shakira michael jackson in our language sonu nigham. favorite movies titanic, terminator 2, romantic movies and sexual...

Him

I have no religion and bacon rolls are my favourite. Celine Dion is cool but looks a bit like a horse. I think Shakira is a bit pants, Michael Jackson is quite good but OOOOOOOOO the kiddie fiddling stuff... Titanic was quite good but not accurate cos the ship didn't actually sink in real life. Terminator is cool and sex movies are brill - there are loads of them online.

Him

why you are privacy take on your pictures?

Him

okay how much you are sexual? have your sexual relation with any one?

I've had sexual relations with about 94 men.

Him

oh whats the reason behind that?

What do you mean?

Him

i mean lots of men why?

Why not?

Here are some screen shots so you can see this is actually happening: