Letter to Mrs Minging Chav of Leith

Dear Mrs Minging Chav


ADVICE RE: CONES IN LIDL


I happened to be in Lidl this evening (Thursday 28th July 2011) and witnessed your incident.


I thought I would drop you a line to let you know why your 'accident' went from bad to worse and why you did not get the resolution you clearly hoped for (i.e. a pot of cash from till number 2).

When you see a square of cones on the floor of Lidl (or, indeed, any other leading cost cutty type store) announcing, nay heralding, the spillage of a bottle of Buckie, it is not the done thing to walk into the middle of said cones and then do a 'fake fall', like the shit actress bird on those personal injury telly ads.




The reason for this is threefold: 


1) it makes me laugh a lot
2) THEN, when you proceed to shout that Lidl owe you money 'cos you fell', it makes me laugh OUT LOUD even more
3) THEN, when you proceed to tell me to shut the fuck up cos I'm a dozy bint, it seriously makes a bit of wee come out of my vava.


To be honest, had your 'fall' looked a little less like a troll about to take a dump in the middle of a busy shop, you may have (just) gotten away with it.  However, you actually just looked like a twat.  


This made my night.  


I was feeling pretty pants about myself. I'd got caught in the rain so had hair like Catweasel and had managed to stab myself in the eye (with a blue 'Berol' felt pen) earlier in the day so looked like a mad cyclops with one mahoosive red lamp.  I had also walked from Lothian Road to Leith just to get rid of a bit of chub before I meet a 'blind date' so was sweating like a fat kid on a chip.  All in all, not a good look.  


I would like to thank you for making me feel like a million dollars and the best actress in the world.


Your performance is worthy of an award which does not yet exist...

The Chavviest Mentalist Out For A Buck By Faking Illness And/Or Blaming My Shite Antics On Everyone Else And Hoping They Don't Notice And Pay Me Handsomely For It

So, to get to the point of my letter to you:  

Kind regards
The Raw (happy smiley face)

The Apprentice - I Got Through The First Stage!

THE APPRENTICE SERIES 8 - AUDITION INFORMATION

Dear Helen Raw,

This email is to confirm that we received your application and that we would like to invite you to take part in our selection process on Monday 18th July 2011.  Your interview time is 14:45. 

Please arrive on time (but no more than 15 minutes early) or we may not be able to see you. 

Place: Radisson Edwardian, Free Trade Hall, Peter Street, Machester, M2 5GP.

My email response, declining the offer of an audition:  

Dear Apprentice Team

Thank you for your email letting me know that I have been selected for an initial audition.  

Unfortunately, I have accepted a freelance post as 2nd Assistant Director on a feature film and will be filming on location for the majority of your audition and call back dates so am now unable to participate.

I look forward to reapplying next year and hope the process goes well for you all.

PS, I wasn't lying about the Glen Michael thing!

Kind regards

Helen

Helen Raw, Director, The Raw Talent Company

HOW GLAMOUROUS* DOES THAT SOUND?  In your face Lord Sucre!!


*NB Lord Sucre doesn't need to know that I will actually be spending most of the filming days stuck at the back of a dining bus reprinting call sheets til I'm talking to myself and injecting heroin...

My original application

Morrison's and Their Supercilious Self-Service Tills

Today was a reasonably good day.  Had a 1-1 with the Producer of the film I'm working on and didn't get sacked AND I kept the 1st AD supplied with Jaffa Cakes to stem his suicidal post-it noting...


However, my journey home was not so sedate.


Bridget (my Smart car), yet again, was abused on the road by a complete knobjockey in a turbo powered Nova with 16 exhausts and 12 speakers in the back.  Chill the fuck out man, you're driving a NOVA!!  To add insult to injury, the driver was wearing a baseball cap back to front and, granted, I WAS singing along to 'Barbra Streisand, The Concert' at full pelt but that did not warrant him chucking an (almost used up) Magic Tree air freshner out of his window at us.  


WHO THE FUCK CHUCKS A MAGIC TREE???


Anyway, on with the actual story.


So, you know supermarkets now have the self service tills?  Well, I often go to them in the hope that I can be more efficient and speedy than if I waited in line for the old woman on the actual til who wants to chat to you and generally get involved in your life and be dead friendly and chatty.  


They're lovely people really but, after a long hard day, I don't want a stranger to be nice and smiley and chatty.  I want her to scan my 'meals for one' and 'supply of duracell' and ram them into plastic bags.  I don't want her to ram them into 'bags for life' because, as I so often find myself explaining... 

"...sorry yes, plastics bags please.  I do have about 4,000 bags for life, which have essentially cost me more than 3 months shopping over the years but, as I wasn't really planning to pop in here, I didn't put them in the car but, then I realised I had nothing in for tea and, as I've no husband or flatmate to do it for me, thought I should pick something up so that I don't starve.  So, no, plastic bags are fine thanks, plus I'll definitely recycle them by using them as bin bags in the kitchen...blah blah blah..."

What is it with the inane explaining and apologising you feel you have to do when you refuse a 'bag for life'?  


Anyway, I just want her to ram my shopping into bags so I can feck off home and do my own thing.  THIS is the reason I nearly always go to the self service tills.


I never learn.  


I always think 

"I'm doing it myself, therefore it's quicker and less stressful and I don't have to explain the bag thing, cos I already know the story". 

The reality is ALWAYS very different.  However, it has to be said that, of all the self service tills, in all the supermarkets, in all the land, Morrison's tills have to be the most supercilious, laugh-in-your-face, piss-you-off-on-purpose, bitchy fuckers.


Today was no exception.  You know you've had a slightly worse day than you first thought when you start answering back the 'till'.


Let's call today's till Sheila.  Why Sheila? I hear you ask.  Well, purely and simply, it was/is the name of my ex-mother in law and I can't think of anyone else, right now, who brings on the same level of rage.  She wore black to my wedding for fuck sake.


Anyway, Sheila, decided that she would remind me to scan EVERY item of shopping and them remind me to put EVERY item of shopping into the 'bagging area'.  To the point I chucked my pre-packaged salad greens into the bagging area in a very haphazard manner and said 'see if you can sense that, ya cow'.  I'm not proud of myself.


About 5 items in, I could feel the rage.

"Please scan your next item"
"Please place the item in the bagging area"
"Please remove and then replace the item in the bagging area"
"Please remove unexpected item from bagging area"
"Please place the item in the bagging area"
"Unexpected item in bagging area"
"Please call for assistance" 

ARGH....


It's a bag of fucking lettuce.  It doesn't weight much.  It's not my fault if you can't detect it, you stupid bint.

"Please scan your next item"

ARGH, I'M DOING IT...


At this point, 'the woman with the swipe card that fixes everything by doing nothing' came over and I said "Oh my god does she not do your nut in?" she said "yeah, but you get used to it".


By the end of my shopping session, we were both shouting at the till calling her a stupid cow.


I thanked the 'woman with the swipe card' and went on my way.


I'm still a little angry and I'm sure there were cameras somewhere to catch out those people who really can't be doing with the fact that machines can actually tell us what to do and then make us feel like twats for not doing it.


The Terminator was right.  


The machines are coming.  


I swear if there are any called Sheila I'm topping myself before she gets the last word in...


Bag for life?  Fuck off.

Email From Man With Hair Plugs - UPDATES JUST IN...

I swear, I could not make these dating site conversations/contacts up!!

From: michaelson Sent Date:7/3/2011 9:48:41 PM

Subject: wahey

no wonder your on here your a pain in the a*** good luck big heid RESPONSE: From: babsfan Sent Date:7/3/2011 11:06:47 PM Subject: RE:wahey

Thank you so much for making contact. It’s always nice to get mail from a fellow human being. Hearing from you is also nice. I have taken the liberty of correcting your email. Clearly, your new hair plugs are cutting off blood flow to the social etiquette part of your brain. Correction to your original correspondence: "No wonder you're on here, you [appear to be] a pain in the a***. Good luck, big heid." Seeing as you neglected your apostrophes, missed vital punctuation and refused to use capital letters, it would never have worked out anyway. Plus, you appear to have the intelligence of a defective plum. I would offer to rewrite your profile for you in order that you may attract an actual human female but I fear the damage has already been done. It is important that you state “I don’t do snob” because, based on your cleverly laid out, grammatically correct and alliterative profile, snobs and upper class women are likely to be drawn to you like moths to a flame (or flies to shit) so it is excellent that you have made it clear that you are not interested. There is nothing a snob hates more than wasting her time contacting a beau who is clearly out of her league. Have a nice day and thank you again for taking the time to email me, I appreciate the toll it must have taken on every single one of your 14 brain cells. RESPONSE: From: michaelson Sent Date:7/4/2011 12:34:10 AM Subject: RE:RE:wahey Aye aye,See you are a pain in the a***!With to much time on your hands. I dont do snob because iam above or below no one. Its not that i would`nt shag a snob its i dont think behaving like am better than another person makes me better  than other people. (Plus you appear to have the intelligence of a defective plum) just keep telling yourself that RESPONSE: From: babsfan Sent Date:7/4/2011 6:04:04 AM Subject: RE:RE:RE:wahey It's nice that you have no limits on the type of person you would shag. Bless you for that. As for being better than people, you clearly think you are as you went out of your way to try and tell me what an unpleasant person I am. Based on your own profile, I'm assuming your glass house has been shattered by many stones. If you don't like the sound of me, move on. However, the fact you have made first contact lets me know that you secretly wish I was interested in an amoeba such as yourself and you are hoping, against hope, that being obnoxious and offensive will bring me round. It won't bring me round. You are an idiot. If you are so sad that you feel the need to berrate others on their profiles and personalities, then I feel sorry for you. Seeing as you claim to be Buddhist, I'm sure you're own bad karma will come around and kick you in the a*s very soon. PS you have made a very good blog subject - many of my readers have visited your profile and made similar observations - we can't all be wrong :-)