Morrison's and Their Supercilious Self-Service Tills

Today was a reasonably good day.  Had a 1-1 with the Producer of the film I'm working on and didn't get sacked AND I kept the 1st AD supplied with Jaffa Cakes to stem his suicidal post-it noting...


However, my journey home was not so sedate.


Bridget (my Smart car), yet again, was abused on the road by a complete knobjockey in a turbo powered Nova with 16 exhausts and 12 speakers in the back.  Chill the fuck out man, you're driving a NOVA!!  To add insult to injury, the driver was wearing a baseball cap back to front and, granted, I WAS singing along to 'Barbra Streisand, The Concert' at full pelt but that did not warrant him chucking an (almost used up) Magic Tree air freshner out of his window at us.  


WHO THE FUCK CHUCKS A MAGIC TREE???


Anyway, on with the actual story.


So, you know supermarkets now have the self service tills?  Well, I often go to them in the hope that I can be more efficient and speedy than if I waited in line for the old woman on the actual til who wants to chat to you and generally get involved in your life and be dead friendly and chatty.  


They're lovely people really but, after a long hard day, I don't want a stranger to be nice and smiley and chatty.  I want her to scan my 'meals for one' and 'supply of duracell' and ram them into plastic bags.  I don't want her to ram them into 'bags for life' because, as I so often find myself explaining... 

"...sorry yes, plastics bags please.  I do have about 4,000 bags for life, which have essentially cost me more than 3 months shopping over the years but, as I wasn't really planning to pop in here, I didn't put them in the car but, then I realised I had nothing in for tea and, as I've no husband or flatmate to do it for me, thought I should pick something up so that I don't starve.  So, no, plastic bags are fine thanks, plus I'll definitely recycle them by using them as bin bags in the kitchen...blah blah blah..."

What is it with the inane explaining and apologising you feel you have to do when you refuse a 'bag for life'?  


Anyway, I just want her to ram my shopping into bags so I can feck off home and do my own thing.  THIS is the reason I nearly always go to the self service tills.


I never learn.  


I always think 

"I'm doing it myself, therefore it's quicker and less stressful and I don't have to explain the bag thing, cos I already know the story". 

The reality is ALWAYS very different.  However, it has to be said that, of all the self service tills, in all the supermarkets, in all the land, Morrison's tills have to be the most supercilious, laugh-in-your-face, piss-you-off-on-purpose, bitchy fuckers.


Today was no exception.  You know you've had a slightly worse day than you first thought when you start answering back the 'till'.


Let's call today's till Sheila.  Why Sheila? I hear you ask.  Well, purely and simply, it was/is the name of my ex-mother in law and I can't think of anyone else, right now, who brings on the same level of rage.  She wore black to my wedding for fuck sake.


Anyway, Sheila, decided that she would remind me to scan EVERY item of shopping and them remind me to put EVERY item of shopping into the 'bagging area'.  To the point I chucked my pre-packaged salad greens into the bagging area in a very haphazard manner and said 'see if you can sense that, ya cow'.  I'm not proud of myself.


About 5 items in, I could feel the rage.

"Please scan your next item"
"Please place the item in the bagging area"
"Please remove and then replace the item in the bagging area"
"Please remove unexpected item from bagging area"
"Please place the item in the bagging area"
"Unexpected item in bagging area"
"Please call for assistance" 

ARGH....


It's a bag of fucking lettuce.  It doesn't weight much.  It's not my fault if you can't detect it, you stupid bint.

"Please scan your next item"

ARGH, I'M DOING IT...


At this point, 'the woman with the swipe card that fixes everything by doing nothing' came over and I said "Oh my god does she not do your nut in?" she said "yeah, but you get used to it".


By the end of my shopping session, we were both shouting at the till calling her a stupid cow.


I thanked the 'woman with the swipe card' and went on my way.


I'm still a little angry and I'm sure there were cameras somewhere to catch out those people who really can't be doing with the fact that machines can actually tell us what to do and then make us feel like twats for not doing it.


The Terminator was right.  


The machines are coming.  


I swear if there are any called Sheila I'm topping myself before she gets the last word in...


Bag for life?  Fuck off.