ADVICE RE: CONES IN LIDL
I happened to be in Lidl this evening (Thursday 28th July 2011) and witnessed your incident.
I thought I would drop you a line to let you know why your 'accident' went from bad to worse and why you did not get the resolution you clearly hoped for (i.e. a pot of cash from till number 2).
When you see a square of cones on the floor of Lidl (or, indeed, any other leading cost cutty type store) announcing, nay heralding, the spillage of a bottle of Buckie, it is not the done thing to walk into the middle of said cones and then do a 'fake fall', like the shit actress bird on those personal injury telly ads.
The reason for this is threefold:
1) it makes me laugh a lot
2) THEN, when you proceed to shout that Lidl owe you money 'cos you fell', it makes me laugh OUT LOUD even more
3) THEN, when you proceed to tell me to shut the fuck up cos I'm a dozy bint, it seriously makes a bit of wee come out of my vava.
To be honest, had your 'fall' looked a little less like a troll about to take a dump in the middle of a busy shop, you may have (just) gotten away with it. However, you actually just looked like a twat.
This made my night.
I was feeling pretty pants about myself. I'd got caught in the rain so had hair like Catweasel and had managed to stab myself in the eye (with a blue 'Berol' felt pen) earlier in the day so looked like a mad cyclops with one mahoosive red lamp. I had also walked from Lothian Road to Leith just to get rid of a bit of chub before I meet a 'blind date' so was sweating like a fat kid on a chip. All in all, not a good look.
I would like to thank you for making me feel like a million dollars and the best actress in the world.
Your performance is worthy of an award which does not yet exist...
The Chavviest Mentalist Out For A Buck By Faking Illness And/Or Blaming My Shite Antics On Everyone Else And Hoping They Don't Notice And Pay Me Handsomely For ItSo, to get to the point of my letter to you:
Kind regards
The Raw (happy smiley face)
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