Here is a note I uploaded on Facebook in April this year. It still holds true and I read it now again to remind me how far I've come when I could easily have sunk under the duvet forever and given up.
Original Facebook note:
I finally realised the man I married was not who I thought he was and that's been hard to come to terms with. It makes you question your judgement. I now realise I should have listened to myself, my mum and my friends and walked out in October 2006, I definitely should have walked in March 2007 and the final straw should have been May 2008. I stayed because I thought my love for him was strong enough. I thought I could fix everything. Turns out, he didn't want to fix it. Female intuition is amazing - you should never doubt it. It won't happen again. Maybe I wasn't worth it to him. Not worth trying to fix it for.
Well, you know what? I am worth it.
I am a strong, independent woman and I'm bouncing back. I will come out of this stronger, happier and with the same moral backbone and strength I went in with.
I will never again: change for a man, water myself down for a man, take my eyes off my long-term goal for a man.
I sacrificed much of my career for a man and I have not been on stage for 3 years because I thought we were working together towards a bigger plan.
That will not happen again. The only plan I'm working towards is my own.
To everyone (especially blokes) out there, here's the deal:
* I listen to 80's power ballads, deal with it
* If asked a question, I'm answering truthfully
* If I want to run with the trolley in ASDA, I will
* If I find it funny to teach kids bad habits, so what?
* If I want to have a cupboard full of crisps and fridge full of Corona, I will
* If I can't have a laugh, swear and get rat-arsed occasionally in front of your family and friends without being smited, I don't wanna know
* My friends and family drink, swear and are totally mental so suck it up (my mum doesn't drink, but she could beat Rambo in a fight)
* I ain't changing
* I ain't diluting myself
* I ain't switching to spritzers (since writing this, I have become a lightweight and have poofed up my wine!)
* I ain't gonna watch my p's & q's
* I ain't gonna stop behaving like a tit in public
* I ain't gonna get rid of my fancy dress costumes and tat
* I ain't gonna promise not to flash my boobs in the street
* I ain't gonna stop shouting at shite drivers who cut me up
* I ain't gonna give up my collection of serial killer biographies
* I ain't pretending that I think it's cute when a bloke cries more than me
* I ain't gonna go to church except for weddings and funerals and christenings
* I ain't gonna keep my opinions to myself just because I might sound too gobby if I speak up
* I will watch horror films, in the dark and then freak you out by running around and hiding from you
* I like a clean house, either pull your weight and help or get nagged about it - either way, deal with it
* I ain't gonna stay at home every night and become the woman who texts asking 'when will you be home so I know when to put the tea on'
* If you piss me off I'm gonna tell you and I expect you to do the same...but if you worry about it for a week and then have a panic attack about it, I'll slap you
* I ain't being cheerful when I have my period just because it makes you feel better - if I'm grumpy and psychotic, deal with it, I won't hurt you if you don't annoy me
* I ain't gonna stop having mini-meltdowns and tantrums when things don't work, or when I drop things or stub my toe - it ain't directed at you so don't worry about it!
* Finally: I would prefer not to have the biggest pair of bollocks in the household. It's too much pressure when I already have the biggest boobs to deal with.
Phew, glad I got that sorted.
Pub, anyone?
I finally realised the man I married was not who I thought he was and that's been hard to come to terms with. It makes you question your judgement. I now realise I should have listened to myself, my mum and my friends and walked out in October 2006, I definitely should have walked in March 2007 and the final straw should have been May 2008. I stayed because I thought my love for him was strong enough. I thought I could fix everything. Turns out, he didn't want to fix it. Female intuition is amazing - you should never doubt it. It won't happen again. Maybe I wasn't worth it to him. Not worth trying to fix it for.
Well, you know what? I am worth it.
I am a strong, independent woman and I'm bouncing back. I will come out of this stronger, happier and with the same moral backbone and strength I went in with.
I will never again: change for a man, water myself down for a man, take my eyes off my long-term goal for a man.
I sacrificed much of my career for a man and I have not been on stage for 3 years because I thought we were working together towards a bigger plan.
That will not happen again. The only plan I'm working towards is my own.
To everyone (especially blokes) out there, here's the deal:
* I listen to 80's power ballads, deal with it
* If asked a question, I'm answering truthfully
* If I want to run with the trolley in ASDA, I will
* If I find it funny to teach kids bad habits, so what?
* If I want to have a cupboard full of crisps and fridge full of Corona, I will
* If I can't have a laugh, swear and get rat-arsed occasionally in front of your family and friends without being smited, I don't wanna know
* My friends and family drink, swear and are totally mental so suck it up (my mum doesn't drink, but she could beat Rambo in a fight)
* I ain't changing
* I ain't diluting myself
* I ain't switching to spritzers (since writing this, I have become a lightweight and have poofed up my wine!)
* I ain't gonna watch my p's & q's
* I ain't gonna stop behaving like a tit in public
* I ain't gonna get rid of my fancy dress costumes and tat
* I ain't gonna promise not to flash my boobs in the street
* I ain't gonna stop shouting at shite drivers who cut me up
* I ain't gonna give up my collection of serial killer biographies
* I ain't pretending that I think it's cute when a bloke cries more than me
* I ain't gonna go to church except for weddings and funerals and christenings
* I ain't gonna keep my opinions to myself just because I might sound too gobby if I speak up
* I will watch horror films, in the dark and then freak you out by running around and hiding from you
* I like a clean house, either pull your weight and help or get nagged about it - either way, deal with it
* I ain't gonna stay at home every night and become the woman who texts asking 'when will you be home so I know when to put the tea on'
* If you piss me off I'm gonna tell you and I expect you to do the same...but if you worry about it for a week and then have a panic attack about it, I'll slap you
* I ain't being cheerful when I have my period just because it makes you feel better - if I'm grumpy and psychotic, deal with it, I won't hurt you if you don't annoy me
* I ain't gonna stop having mini-meltdowns and tantrums when things don't work, or when I drop things or stub my toe - it ain't directed at you so don't worry about it!
* Finally: I would prefer not to have the biggest pair of bollocks in the household. It's too much pressure when I already have the biggest boobs to deal with.
Phew, glad I got that sorted.
Pub, anyone?
I'm a fighter, always have been, always will be. I fight for what is right and won't be beaten into a corner by small minded bigots or hypocrites.
I have been through a lot in my short life: I was raped at 17, I cared for my terminally ill dad when I was 17/18, I barely scraped by in my exams and I worked all the hours god sent to make money to pay for singing and acting lessons. I watched my dad die on my 19th birthday and had a car crash 4 months later. I was rejected as a Red Coat at Butlins the same month. I've had my share of dodgy boyfriends and some really decent ones. I got married at the end of December 2007 and was asked for a divorce 1 year and 2 weeks later. Some would have thrown the towel in then. Not me!
I disappeared briefly from the entertainment world for the 3.5 years I was with my bloke; a mistake I will never make again. Without realising, I gave up a whole part of my life and, effectively, who I was for him.
Well, I am back. Stronger and more independent than before. More determined than before. More focussed and headstrong than I thought I could be and I will do this...with or without a bloke by my side...for I am Raw, hear me roar.
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