I cracked nearly all of my Christmas shopping today. It wasn't panic buying, I pretty much knew what I was getting, I just hadn't gotten round to leaving the flat to go and get it.
Did I have fun? Erm, I would rather have been wearing a suit of barbed wire, spooning my own eyes out singing along to Jedward's new single whilst having their biography read aloud to me by Pee Wee Herman.
In a nutshell, I hate Christmas shopping. Well, I hate the people you encounter when out Christmas shopping. I love buying things for people. I just hate the wankers that people turn into when they are running around like twats cos they are not organised - IT HAPPENS EVERY YEAR PEOPLE, WRITE A FUCKING LIST IN JUNE!
I never want to hear another Christmas song, see another Santa hat or hear another child screaming 'but mummy I want' for the rest of the month. Feck sake, teach your children some manners and don't allow them to holler in the shop and make you look like the turdiest parent in the world for giving into their demands for a cheap shiny thing on a string.
The reason for this blog? Nothing really other than to bitch about the rudeness I encountered on my outing today.
First of all wench features, in a mahoosive car, tried to run me and Bridget (my wee smart car) off the road cos, heavens above, we were sitting behind a 'wide load' and couldn't get past. She screamed up beside me on the outside lane near Crewe Toll (Edinburgh) and started wafting her arms about like she was having some sort of fit. Then she started screaming 'move over and let me in, for fuck sake move over'. What, did I miss a memo? How the fuck could she not see the twatarse of a truck in front of me yet it was my fault that she found herself in the wrong lane. I put my hands up and said 'what do you want me to do?'. She started moving her stupid 10 tonne truck over to my lane WITHOUT THERE BEING SPACE FOR HER...
I had no choice but to let her in. I then spent the next 2 miles sitting behind her shaking my head and saying things like 'you're gonna have a heart attack and die before your children, who are sitting in the back of your monster truck listening to your shite, turn 12'. She probably didn't hear me. What a cow. Seriously, there is no need for that behaviour. She should have realised she'd been a c**t and done the hand movement that lets the other driver know that you have acknowledged you have been a c**t and I'd have let her in no problem! Stupid bint from hell.
I got to The Gyle about 6 hours after setting off from the flat.
I was telling the Turkish man that I wasn't interested in having my nails buffed, when Boots had a power cut! Bollocks - they were next on my hit list!
I navigated my way through miserable looking mothers with hideous whining children and old grannies tagging along behind them. They all looked like they would give up their life for 10 minutes of peace and quiet and a Rich Tea. I'm not judging, just observing.
I went into Claire Accesories to feel trendy and one 'kid' was screaming at the till 'but mummy I want one, I really want one'. The mother, clearly deranged by this point, just gave in and the kid got the much needed shiny thing on a string. Personally I wanted to take the little shit to one side, kick her in the vag and explain that her behaviour was heinous and that children in the world are starving and she's bitching about a shiny thing on a string. I decided against it, cos no matter how shit your kids are, you don't want anyone else pointing it out and I thought the mother would probably rip me a new arsehole.
I stood quietly gazing at the shiny things on strings until they left the shop.
I didn't buy a shiny thing.
I went to New Look to kill half an hour and have a look at the clothes that the young folks are wearing and headed back to Mecca (Boots) as the power had come on. The Advantage Card machine was working and I had about 7,000 Boots pounds to spend on smellies and shit.
Bear in mind, I'd been in this fecking holding paddock for mentalists and special people for about 6 hours already. I'd had enough of the shit children, the annoying parents in shops ramming you out of the way, shit drivers being shit and the CD in the 'centre' was on repeat. Fuck off Live Aid. I get it, children in Africa won't see any twatting snow. I KNOW. THEY LIVE IN AFRICA. I'M NOT STUPID.
Anyway.
I was minding my own business in the Aussie Mist aisle, when I heard a voice asking, nay demanding, that I move.
Was this someone from the emergency services who needed to tend to a casualty? Was this someone who had a choking child in their arms? Was this someone who was needing to stick more 3for2 labels on? NO.
This was a woman in a wheelchair. A woman who was only in a wheelchair because she was so fat, she couldn't walk (don't even start with your thyroid chat).
Not only was she taking up THE ENTIRE AISLE. But it was MY fault that she couldn't get past. I may not be Thumbelina but fuck sake, I don't fill a fucking ailse in Boots.
FB (fat bint): "Ahem" (in a very annoyed tone)
R (Raw): "Oh I'm sorry, if I'd heard you say 'excuse me' I would have moved. I have no peripheral vision, so I didn't see you".
FB: "Just move, can't you see I'm disabled?"
R:"Oh please, let me manouvere ALL of my bags and move out of the aisle so that YOU can get past without knocking everything off the shelves with your fat sides, because it's MY fault you are both disabled AND rude. By the way did you not hear me say that I have no peripheral vision - an actual disability?"
FB: "I have a disabled badge"
R: "Whoop de doo, I have a Jim'll Fix It badge (I don't but she doesn't know that) do you have an "I'm the rudest disabled person in the world badge in your collection?"
FB: "It's not my fault I'm in a wheelchair" (in a nasty tone)
R: "DO NOT blame me for your situation. You clearly are an ugly person with or without the wheelchair and that has nothing to do with me. Now if you would like me to move, ask me nicely and pretend for just one second that you are a human being."
She barged past me at full speed.
What is it with rudeness? I just don't get it. A simple 'please and thank you' or an 'excuse me' is all it takes to separate you from the fecking apes!
I got the last laugh later when I saw that she was trying to get something off a bottom shelf and her stomach was in the way so she couldn't reach and had to pick something else...think it was the Slimfast ailse.
Why do people have to be so rude for no reason?
Maybe I won't get into heaven cos I had the balls to say what everyone else was thinking to this woman, but fuck it, I'd rather go to hell for who I am than heaven for who I am not!
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