So, this last year has pretty much been a bit pants.
My divorce finally came through in April - there was me thinking I would get it in 2009 but no way. It had to take 15 months to sort out cos I married a tit of gigantic proportions who had to ask God or his mum and dad before he did anything.
Won't make that mistake again, not the marrying part, the gigantic tit part.
I decided it was time to meet an actual man in 2010, so I signed up to a few dating sites (the free ones of course). No-one warned me that Plenty of Fish was a stalkers paradise. After day 2, I renamed it Plenty of Pish.
I had all sorts contacting me - even before I'd put up a photo.
My first email came from Bob:
"I like having sex in tents. Would you like to go camping?"
He hadn't even seen my face. I'm not Elle McPherson by any stretch of the imagination but I ain't a minger, however, he didn't know that. I could have been a wart ridden dwarf with alopecia for all he knew. I'm not sure I could ever be so desperate for a shag that I would email a random bloke without even seeing a pic (even then you can't be sure the picture is ACTUALLY him). Having said that, I am getting a bit dusty down there. But no, I still couldn't do it.
Don't get me wrong, a good personality and sense of humour is a must. However, if you look like Fred West and John McCririck's love child, all the jokes in the world ain't gonna get my pants moving.
I've had a few dates after chatting to folks online. I'm still in touch with most of them cos they are funny and decent blokes but we just didn't have that 'thing', whatever the feck that is - apparently I'll know when it happens, so say my Yoda-like pals.
You'd think I would know it already having been married to 'the one'. Alas, no. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and the fluttering in my stomach I felt with him turned out to be gasteroenteritis, so I'm no more wise re the whole 'love at first sight' thing.
Does that even exist? Love at first sight? I've really only ever had that fluttery feeling when in Greggs and the freshly baked steak bakes come out of the oven (but you still ask for one near the back cos if it's too hot you can't eat it, too cold and it's like eating lard).
I digress.
Love at first sight. What a load of pish. That's what I have decided. You can totally fancy someone in the queue in Boots the Chemist, but that doesn't mean to say that once you get to know them you wouldn't want to smash their face in with a wok.
In the words of Princess Diana "It's a minefield out there"*
So what do you do? You have a laugh and don't take things so seriously - that's what you do.
I've had a first date with a bloke where I helped him move house and hang his pictures - we're still Facebook buddies.
I arranged to meet another bloke at midnight in the Monster Munch aisle in ASDA** - we're still Facebook buddies.
Here are my new rules.
a) If a bloke asks you out for a drink, say yes - how bad can it be? It'll be a funny Facebook status if nothing else.
b) If your mate(s) set you up on a blind date, say yes.
However:
i) If you find out the bloke is already married, tell him he's an arse and move on to the next one.
ii) If you find out the bloke is actually gay, make him your new best friend and order another round.
iii) If you find out the bloke has a girlfriend, see i) above
iv) If he talks about his parents like they are mini gods, see i) above
v) If he says 'I like cosy nights in and also nights out', see i) above
vi) If he is politically incorrect, swears, calls you a fanny, eats his pint glass when finished his drink and is a bit hairy, order another round and arrange date 2.
Those are my new standards and I will not deviate.
As for everything else, well 2010 has brought a load of shite but has also brought a lot of laughter.
I've made some fab new pals; I got broody over my pals amazingly gorgeous baby girl (I'm pleased to say the broodiness has now passed so there is no need for anyone to be lining up outside my flat with their peni*** on stand by); I made some brill work connections which will hopefully see Raw Talent grow in 2011 now I've got my head out of my arse; I bought Bridget (my wee car); I defriended a couple of complete and utter twats and I found out I'm going to Kenya on safari with my mum and wee sis next year.
So actually, 2010 wasn't that bad really. After all, I'm not dead and I haven't gone bald. Yet.
As for 2011, bring it on - I'll take whatever you throw at me. I'm starting it off by having a sauna, drinking wine and waiting for my pals to arrive at the lodge we are staying in for a couple of nights. We are having 'pot luck' dinners. No-one knows what anyone else is bringing so our New Years Day feast is likely to consist of Haribo, Smarties, scones, potatoes, flumps and Carolanns (fake Baileys which tastes like shit but mixed with vodka it's not half bad). Do I care? Nope. As long as they turn up, it's all good. I know there will be a lot of laughing. I know this because they are all mental - not in the medicated way - in the straight jacket way and I love them all.
Then it's back home to Audrey (my flat) on the 2nd to prepare for a drunken evening on the 3rd with my new single pal from Glasgow - who incidentally has set me up with a bloke called Trevor. He better like my fake Tesco Uggs and trackie bottoms cos I ain't getting dressed up - I might put some mascara on if he's lucky but I probably won't brush my hair. If he likes me in that state, there is potential. But he IS called Trevor. I'm not sure I could shout that out in the throes of passion without pissing myself laughing. If we start going out, I may have to change his name. I hope he doesn't mind. Of course, he may decide that I'm a minger and not want to go on another date with me. Oh well, his loss, the twat.
One of my resolutions is to stop analysing situations before I've been in them. Sorry Trevor.
I will get fit and stop resembling a sack of potatoes wrapped in lard and I will ride my bike more (still need to buy gel pants for the chafing - someone remind me.)
Other than that, I ain't really planning anything except work stuff. Let's just play 2011 by ear and see what happens.
Let's hope it's a good one folks and when me and Trev get married, you're all invited (but you have to bring good presents).
Happy New Year everyone xx
* she didn't really say that, to my knowledge.
** we both fell asleep on our respective couches and missed this date.
*** I think peni is plural for penis, but I could be wrong.
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