So, not sure quite what kicked off last nights dream (ha) but here we go...
I was due to go sleeping rough for charity (see what I mean by the 'ha'?). I said cheery bye to my mum (cos I was living with her) and headed off to the woods. I got there to find my ex husband had also signed up and was there with his new woman. I told him we needed to chat.
He finally admitted (after I had held his head underwater in the bath) that he left me because he liked this other woman but didn't admit it at the time because he would look like a bad Christian and it was better for him if I was made out to be a lunatic. I resisted the temptation to drown him properly and started wandering round the woods to look for kindling.
I bumped into 'the new woman' who told me that she thought I was ace but that she was really lucky to have stolen my husband from me. I smacked her in the face with my bunch of miniature twigs and laughed at her.
I then ended up on a train to get to the place we were actually going to be sleeping rough and met this man who was quite fit. We shagged in our seats, as you do. My dream then must have jumped a couple of years cos although I was still on the train, I now had 2 kids. Jack and Sophie. The man I had shagged was bald but somehow my kids were ginger. I was stressing about how I was going to tell my mum that I now had 2 kids from a random shag.
The kids were quite annoying. They were nipping everyones head on the train and I threatened to send them to a home or a pig farm if they didn't shut up. I then decided to slather them with sun tan lotion. I remember thinking to myself on the train 'mum says it's different when they are your own, you would do anything for them'. This stressed me out cos I really couldn't have cared less about these 2 kids.
We ended up back a the woods - fecking long sleeping rough event when you consider I've now attempted to murder my ex husband, assaulted his new woman, had 2 shags and had 2 children - and the event hasn't started yet!
My kids were playing with a hula hoop and then the woman who is the wife of the bald man came over to confront me because my kids looked so much like him (?). Bald man at this point was at the 'shopping stall' deciding which handbag to buy. I told the wife to bog off and when the bald man came over to tell me he was leaving his wife for me, I told him to bog off too. Then I decided I quite liked my kids but wanted them to annoy even more people, so I took them to one side and taught them all the swear words and rude songs that I know and sent them off to sing them loudly in public.
I was the coolest mum and all the other kids loved me. All the parents hated me.
I then found myself in a different part of the woods where there was a killer whale in a tank. I was really upset by this as the tank was not that big. I stuck my hand in to stroke the whale and he stuck his head over the top of the tank and started talking to me. I asked him if he liked his tiny tank and he said it was fine as it kept him organised. His name was Trevor and he tried to bite the bald man because he didn't like his handbag(?). I got in the tank and started swimming and having a chat with Trevor. I discovered I could breathe underwater. Everyone from the 'sleeping rough' event was now crowded round the tank watching us. I got out of the tank as I was starting to smell of ming, but when I got out I realised I was struggling to breathe. For the rest of the night I had to keep sticking my head in a bucket of water to be able to breathe.
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