I really need to set up a magazine subscription so I have something to look forward to and open that isn't a bill, council tax demand or sales enquiry for mucus plugs.
I used to get excited every week when the new Beano, Dandy, Jackie or Serial Killer Magazine/Comic dropped on the door mat with it's freebie packet of 'Exploding Candy' or 'Crime Scene Gloves' attached...not anymore.
Not sure how I feel about that cos
a) I hate Faberge Eggs and only know what they are cos of the film 'Serial Mom' b) I am only a 36 year old (albeit divorced) woman
c) I couldn't give a fishes tit what happens at my funeral - as long as I'm ACTUALLY dead when I go into the ground or fires of hell, I don't really care what hymns are sung or what colour my poxy flowers are - COS I'M DEAD!!
On the funeral subject, since you brought it up, the only thing for sure that I would like are bells on my coffin, attached by unsnappable twine, to my mouth, each foot, each hand and both my bum cheeks so I can twitch or clench one or all of them to set the bells off should it turn out I've been buried alive without my consent. If bells are not available, then BGT* type buzzers will be acceptable - and probably funnier!
Obviously, if I've been buried alive in a coffin at the funeral home having been placed on top of a random dead body, bound and gagged, all without my consent, the bells ain't gonna happen. In fact, people might not have even twigged I'm even missing yet.... Shit!
Okay, what I am suggesting now may cause alarm and a sharp intake of breath, however, think of the number of lives that could be saved.
I am requesting that seconds before a coffin goes into the ground/fire, someone has a quick keek to make sure
i) there is only 1 body inside
ii) the body inside isn't still alive.
You can never be too careful with these mental serial killer types and I hope my proposed changes (point i and ii above) to the current rules take effect immediately so that I am never in the situation of being buried alive, on top of another body, about to be buried or cremated, without my consent. The present situation is that funeral homes assume that everyone is dead, a very dangerous assumption in my view.
An easy way to bring about this change would be to either
a) make it mandatory for all coffins have see-through lids
b) make it mandatory for all coffins to have, at least, a 'larger than A4' sized glass window on the lid.
Once it is absolutely sure that I am, in fact, dead, you can stick me where you like. I'll already be off haunting folks and poltergeisting the shit out of people I've never liked, so don't think it really matters.
This sort of went off on a tanget, all because at 36, I got a leaflet about funeral expenses. The good thing about that is, this blog has possibly brought about a change in funeral home law and saved the lives of many 'buried alive without their consent' victims.
For the record, I will not be buying a self coiling hose, a shower seat or a twatting Faberge Egg!
However, I am slightly interested in the reusable incontinence pants, only because, even though I've never had a child or any other reason for 'slackage' to occur, I sometimes find myself having a little bit of wee when I laugh, sneeze, stand up, talk, breathe or run for a bus. I am not saying I will be wearing a pair the next time you meet me but I am not saying that I will not be wearing a pair the next time you meet me. Ask if you dare!
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