Marriage Failure...

I have just remembered.  This could explain everything.  

***

The night before my wedding:

We were having dinner with a bunch of friends and family who had travelled from Darlington, Manchester, Blackburn, Dublin and Hell to be with us.

We were all having a laugh and throwing chips at each other...sorry, me and Steve (who I went to playgroup with and fought over the cheap and nasty kettle in the wendyhouse with) were throwing chips at each other.  

We were generally setting a good example to Lili, my gorgeous goddaughter (who came from Steve's loins - which still amazes me, thank god mum Michelle is 'slightly' normal!).  Lili was supposed to walk down the aisle with me, chucking rose petals in my wake, but had a diva episode and didn't bother chucking anything other than a strop!

Anyway, I got all excited when my ex 'boyfriend', Paddy (not a joke) from Dublin (honest, not a joke), turned up with his beautiful, lovely lady Siobhan (who is now his wife and mother to his child who's name I still can't spell cos it's Irish).  

I hadn't seen Paddy since the night he stayed at mine and almost died of fright!  I got bored in the middle of the night and got dressed up as that mentalist killer from 'Scream' complete with 'blood pishing down the face' mask and black hooded shroud, holding a plastic cleaver (incidentally, the same plastic cleaver that I cut my divorce cake with...).  I heavy breathed over him, whilst he slept, for 15 minutes until he woke up.  

I've never seen a grown, hairy arsed man move so fast.  He jumped around my flat shouting 'bejeezuz, holy feck, fuck ya fucking fucker, jeezuz fuck' all whilst trying to, unsuccessfully, get out of the flat.  Not once did he stop and ask or wonder where I was!  I could have been dead in the airing cupboard for all he cared!  He was just focussed on getting away from the mental man in the shroud with the cleaver!

He managed to lock himself in the bathroom and screamed even more when he came face to face with my shower curtain.  The silhouette of the 'old woman' from the Psycho shower scene!

It made me laugh out loud that he was screaming like a girl.  Happy days.  Don't think he has forgiven me yet.

Anyway, I digress.

The night before my wedding, my mum had to remove the glass of red from my hand and remind me that the point of the weekend was not to have a reunion with all the cool friends and family I hadn't seen in ages, but to change the rest of my life and commit myself to a lovely young man (mentalist) and that I should not be a minging hungover bint (I think those were her words but I might have made that up to make this a bit funnier) on the morning of my nuptials.

Me and my mum headed upstairs (my hubby-to-be had gone ages ago...) and we headed into the suite next door to H-2-B and his best man.

My hubby-to-be and his best man read poetry and bible snippets to each other all evening.

Me and my mum swapped presents and the watched Wolf Creek, giggling.

Think that says it all really.

(Wolf Creek + Tipsy Giggling) + (Sober Poetry + Jesus) = AMHO (Absolute Mismatch of the Highest Order).  

Ach well, you live and learn!

All my mates that were at the 'night before the wedding' and 'the wedding' are all still my mates so I can't really grumble!