Living With A Religious Nut/Mentalist/Cry Baby

Why this blog now?  Purely and simply because I came across an article in The Daily Mash and although they usually write shite, albeit very funny shite, this one is more true than you will ever know.

"Apparently, most religious people would believe you if you told them that this chicken was God!

For any religious people who may be reading this, a chicken is a domesticated bird, roughly the size of a football while an egg is the small, beige oval thing that comes out of it and then goes into your tummy - probably in the form of mayonnaise." (Daily Mash Sep 29th 2010).

The full article for The Daily Mash is here.

So, why does religion bother me?  Well, it doesn't.  I just don't care for it.

I have many friends and family members who are Christians, Muslims, Jews, Baptists, Catholics etc and as long as they don't ram their beliefs down my throat (which none of them do), then it's all hunky dory. As long as I remember not to offer my Jewish pal a pork chop and my Muslim pal a pint of beer, it's all good.

Why did I marry a religious nut I hear you ask?  Well, I didn't know he was still a nut!  He was in a heavy duty Christian cult before I met him.  When I met him, he still quite liked Jesus but wasn't a mentalist about it.  However...that changed when the guilt of his shitty behaviour started to take over.  Suddenly Jesus was everything and he would write letters to his 'father'* in the hope that his prayers were answered and he would magically start behaving like a proper human being.

I tried the explain that writing letters to God was as useful as writing letters to Santa.  He would quote bits of the Bible to me.  Which of course I would question "how did Jesus feed all those people with a pan loaf and a few fish when I struggle to eek out a massive lasagne for an extra person".  No answers ever came.

We went to church together. Twice.  Never again.  Its one thing to sing along with the band.  It's another to see your husband with his eyes closed waving his hands in the air like a knob.  It's one thing to sit and listen to the bloke at the front tell you that you are effectively evil for shagging before you get married.  It's another to see a woman jumping around waving a flag and ribbon during his sermon (rant) because she felt the need to praise the lord - WITH FUCKING RHYTHM GYMNASTICS??

I sat with my head down trying to stifle my giggles for most of the 2 and a half hours - yes, 2 and half hours!

Is there really any need?

Church for me is like going to a club to fawn over an invisible friend who you hope exists but does nothing to help you out when the chips are down (mmmm, chips).  To me, it's all about REAL people and REAL friends.  Ones you can actually see, touch and hear.  Ones that will tell you it's going to be ok and you can believe them.  Ones who tell you to stop being a twat. Ones who tell you are amazing and fabulous.  Ones who tell you to shut up and just get on with it.  Ones who will set you up with a blind date for their own amusement.  Ones who could easliy blackmail you with the stories and/or photos they have of you.  Ones who make you drink Jaegerbombs so they are not the only ones who will feel shit the next day.  Ones you can phone at any hour of the night and know they are there.

I don't have anything against religion or the people who follow it.  What I do object to is being told I am a lesser person because I don't believe in the same thing.  I'm a lesser person because I'm not into Jesus?  Fuck off!

Many of my husbands friends distanced themselves from us on learning I wasn't a Christian.  How Christian is that?!?! My friends however, realised that although there was something a bit odd about my chosen one, they let him in to the group.  Why?  BECAUSE THEY ARE MY FRIENDS AND THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO.  Did they call him Psycho Johnny (not Mental Johnny, thanks for the correction Anita)?  Yes of course they did, but they didn't freeze him out!

So, in conclusion, all the friends I have that are into religion are my friends because I like them.  It has nothing to do with their beliefs.  I have many friends who hate Margaret Thatcher but they are still my friends!  

I believe things happen for a reason.  I believe life is what you make it.  I believe that there is something out there - I don't know what it is or if it will always be there.  I believe in ghosts.  I believe that as long as you are decent to the people you come across in your life, you are doing ok.  I believe that it is ok to think some people are knobheads and not want to spend time with them.  I believe that it is ok to swear and shout and generally behave like a twat when you need to.  I also believe that if you say you are sorry to someone, you MUST mean it.  By meaning it, you don't do it again, otherwise you are not really sorry.

Here endeth the lesson.

PS I definitely think Mary and Joseph had a shag!

*not his own father, Jesus's father!