Saturday, Summer 2005
Meeting my future in-laws
The venue: posh hotel in posh Fife place
The reason: some old birds 80th birthday
Dress code: posh
We arrived at the hotel and I instantly needed a pee - posh places do that to me! I had already met his parents but not the rest of the family so this was to be a hand sweating, arse clenching, head fuck of a day! I also knew that at least 2 of them would be infirm and/or in wheelchairs - this was okay cos I'm good with disabled people for some unknown bizarre reason (probably cos of my Dad).
So, I had a pee and proceeded to be introduced to the most odd looking people I've ever seen in one place. All very nice in their own way, but all together they looked like an Amish community had mated with the old man that used to live in the woods.
Lunch was served in a posh room with long tables and I've never seen so much cutlery in my life (go from the outside and work your way in, came my dads voice in my head). It soon became clear that I used the fish knife to eat my chicken. There was much chortling at my faux pas. WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A FUCKING FISH KNIFE FOR FISH?
There were speeches! Speeches! I ask you, for the love of Jehovah! Someone did a poem. Someone else quoted some Noah story from the Bible which got a clap (I joined in, nodding like a loon but had no idea what was going on).
Lunch was finished, cutlery drama over and after muchos vino, the old disabled folks were loving me - I asked them about the war and their swollen legs and scabby bodies. I was doing well.
That was about it really. The rest of the day was a bit of a haze. There were some photos and I think I fell asleep in the car on the way home.
****
Sunday, Summer 2005 (the day after yesterday)
Him meeting his future in-laws
The venue: pub across the road
The reason: cos it was close to my mums house
Dress code: clothes
We arrived at my mums house to be greeted by my sister (who had actually arrived early) saying 'alright bawbag, how's you?' I had to explain what a bawbag was.
He had met my mum already and had been on his best behaviour. Did he have any other type...?
We arrived at the pub (that I used to work in, get drunk in and get chucked out of, from the age of 18 - 25) and sat at our table.
There were people in there I'd known for years and I tried my best not to make eye contact in the hope of trying to avoid the 'all right Doos, who be this then', 'hey ya tart you still owe me a tenner', 'oi H, it's your round' type of comments and questions.
We sat at a table in the 'conservatory' and instantly my sister and her other half commented on the ginormous woman at the table across the way, suggesting that she may have been better ordering a salad and that perhaps desserts should be banned.
Our food finally arrived and all I can say is, in comparison to the sedate affair the day before, this could only resemble what I would assume a chimps tea party would look like. There was burping, food chucking, drink spilling, swearing, dodgy jokes, inane banter and general hilarity at every small thing. My sister has the sort of laugh that, even if you were on your death bed dying from laughing disease, you'd hear it and laugh! Most people were laughing with us by the end but had no idea why!
Our table was a mess, we used soup spoons to dig about in our fajitas, dessert spoons to stir our coffees and the place had never even heard of a fish knife - they thought I said fish wife when I asked the question!
So, as you can see, there were slight differences in our approach to life.
I know which one I prefer...
Fish knife? Fuck off!
No comments:
Post a Comment